Herman

Baby Frets

2011-08-06T00:29:00.002-04:00

In a litany of complaints issued from bed this evening, Baby complained that 1) no one had tucked him into bed, 2) his sleeping lantern hadn't been lit and 3) S&P had downgraded the US AAA credit rating. Herman admired the wide scope of his complaint.

Baby and the Gold Pillows

2011-05-27T02:05:00.003-04:00

Joseph beautifies the home. Grabbing his box of fashion tools and large swaths of silk, Baby created two gold chinois pillows that perfectly accentuate his new Macy's couch with flanking chaise lounges. The process took him less than an hour. The room's new statelihood will now stand up to centuries.

Too Much Birthday

2011-04-22T23:36:00.007-04:00

The dangers of "Too Much Birthday" are well-documented. The fabled Bernstein Bears grew irritable with an excess of treats and gifts. The Queen's Jubilee in England was exhausting and overdone.

Baby recently suffered this affliction. Not his own birthday, but that partner Herman.

He was heard lamenting his plight as he collapsed into a three-piece Macy's sofa. "Between the trips to French restaurants, French lotion shops, the Scissor Sisters and visiting the perenially hapless Charlie Brown at the Charles Schultz Museum, these dogs are barkin'."

Still, less than seven days later, Baby was spotted at the Mollie Stone's Castro store, choosing Petit Fours at the bakery counter. (Careful readers will note a markedly French theme of indulgence in this post.)

"Don't judge," he said, ducking into a nearby BMW. "These dainty cakes are my way of celebrating Christ's ascension this Easter weekend. Religion is very personal."

Baby Stages Fake Job to Reap Gifts

2010-09-18T15:24:00.006-04:00

In the ultimate ruse, Baby pretended to get a new job* in order to receive modest gifts and encouraging calls from friends. Thus far the scammer has enjoyed four congratulatory calls, a balloon/flower combination (right), and a delicious Edible Arrangement (left). He stored both gifts in private locations where others could not impede his gift enjoyment process.

Beware of the Baby scam; he has several "milestones" approaching - his cameo in "Burlesque" with Cher and Christina Aguilera; a birthday that suddenly occurs in October; Pique's Bar Mitzfah; and the publishing of a so-called patent to create mailboxes from homeless people.

*New job was later verified as an actual position with Louis Vuitton, but the general warning above still stands.

Tragically Deluded

2010-01-31T17:29:00.005-05:00

After shaving his head this week, Baby found a blonde wig that makes him feel handsome (pictured, left, with Pique and Hermes scarf).

The reason for the head-shaving is still unclear. Baby has alluded to the symbolism of new beginnings, and having fresh hair for his June wedding. Still, the wig provides comfort and warmth as he packs for a trip to NYC this week.

"I daresay this shall be my airplane wig," Baby said to Pique.

Joseph Approves of Park Cermony

2010-01-23T15:05:00.013-05:00

Joseph gave his blessing to the Buena Vista Park dedication ceremony, held during a rainy morning in San Francisco.

(pictured right: Joseph with City Supervisor Bevan Dufty)

"As a pillar of the community, I prounounce this dedication to be a new day for the Buena Vista neighborhood," he said. "New trails and erosion controls make the park a joy for walking and contemplation. Though I never donated time or money , I am fully prepared to enjoy the benefits."

(Pictured above left: Joseph with City Treasurer José Cisneros, an appointee of neighborhood resident and Mayor Gavin Newsom)

Joseph was mildly pleased with the resin trails and newly improved eastern staircase, which provides an inviting entrance to a previously unsavory section frequented by single gentlemen.

(pictured above right: Joseph looks over the crowd with approval.)

"Since I enjoy sitting and sitting-related activities, I might organize neighbors to donate a bench with a pretty placard," added Joseph.

He looks forward to the next work phase near the Duboce staircase, and would like to see lampposts for night walking. Most neighbors agree this would spoil the organic nature of the City's oldest park, but as a Manhattan transplant our hero is not afraid of light pollution.

(pictured above left: Joseph's future colleagues from the San Francisco Board of Supervisors and Parks & Rec committee)

Baby Surveys Boston

2010-01-23T01:16:00.002-05:00

Baby fines a charming town in Boston, including a lush vegetable stand near Quincy Market. Much of Bostons's charms, including the sea side dinner in hot butter sauce, only served as a precursor to Joseph's majestic visit to Newport. The opulent beauty of those homes were perfect for a roaming young dandy like Baby. "Newport, that's what New England really means," he mused over a jamba juice. Passachussetts, that's just the stuff you drive through."

Instantly he changed his resume to say he graduated Summa Laude from Salve Regina.

Morning Delight

2009-07-29T01:48:00.002-04:00

Baby continues to keep Herman guessing in the morning. After emerging from the white, fluffy bedding piled high with 6 billowing pillows, the baby placed his two slender legs on the groud, revealing to the on-looking Herm a fully-robbed Baby -- enshrouded in an ankle-lenght Indian kaftan.

Any other day the Herm would have seen Baby emerge from bed buck naked, with nothing hiding the goods that God gave him. "I don't know what make me decide that today would be a full kaftan day. "It just felt right," he said, with a sense of purpose.

Baby's Triumphant Return to SF

2009-06-06T22:57:00.004-04:00

Baby returned to San Francisco bearing gifts. Included in the package: a Louis Vuitton leash and Juicy pineapple charm for Pique, a Dyson vacuum, Juicy Couture fragrance, and a Philips Sonicare toothbrush for Herman. Gracious.

Joseph Xeriscape

2009-06-05T23:50:00.005-04:00

Baby accepted his heroic duty to xeriscape his parents' yard in SLC, Utah. After 40 years in the same East Bench home, it was time for a yard that was easier to maintain, and perhaps more harmonic with the environment. Witness Baby at the beginning of his journey, as he began cutting down non-native, dying trees. After ripping up the lawn and several dead plants later, witness Baby in the dirt with neice Alison. Stay tuned for the new, xeriscaped yard.

Billy the Puppet (Saw) as Game Show Host

2009-04-11T23:44:00.004-04:00

Baby thought it would be funny to do the voice of the jigsaw killer in the "Saw" movies. Instead of providing options about how Herman could save his life, like in the film, Baby offered thrilling game show opportunities.

"Herman. This is your game. Choose a number between 1 and 150, and a door will open with free detergent and a key. Turn the key in the lock correctly, and an audience member will also win detergent. Choose wisely."

Herman was bemused.

Pique's Trail of Tears

2009-03-22T00:38:00.005-04:00

In two short weeks, Pique became friends with a Snoopy and penguin doll, both of which he later eviscerated.

When reached for comment, Pique was too tired to speak.

His victims are captured here in memorial.

First Fight with Neighbors

2009-03-20T23:51:00.012-04:00

Baby started his first fight today with neighbors at the condo in Ashbury Heights. After he picked several handfuls of lemons, a neighbor complained to Baby that he was robbing the community of a pleasant view of fruitful yellow trees.

Replied Baby, "They're not your trees. It's public property."

The neighbor then called the security guard for the homeowner's association, who asked Baby to desist with the lemon-picking.

The lesson: when life hands you lemons, Baby makes...a few bowls of lemons.

Baby Embroiders

2009-03-07T00:41:00.002-05:00

Baby embroidered a dog onto a pink-and-white striped Williams & Sonoma towel. Pique got jealous.

Strange Bedfellows

2009-02-28T15:15:00.004-05:00

After a raucous Friday night, Baby woke up with a stranger in his bed. The furry companion was even using Herman's "Peanuts" pillow. Baby was startled by the surprise, making the guest feel embarassed for intruding. But after a brief chat, in which the two recounted their hijinks and escapades from the night before, they reconnected and decided to make strawberry shakes in the Cuisinart.

Angel Baby Fights "Capital One" fraudsters

2009-02-26T18:27:00.014-05:00

Most people ignore phishing calls from pretend-banks claiming to need your information, but today Baby fought a caller head-to-head.

Capital One called asking for Baby's social security number. Knowing he didn't have a Capital One card, Baby yelled at the caller and asked where she got his phone number. Avoiding the questions, she said he was at risk, and Baby asked,

"How can you know I'm at risk, but not know my social security number? Tell me what you know, and I'll consider."

The caller demurred.

After hanging up, Baby dialed the number that "Capital One" provided, 800-239-7054, which proved to be a fraud service aiming to spear-phish victims for their contact information.

The operator asked for Baby's name, account number and social security number.

"Why can't you access my account with other information, like the last four digits of my social security?" Baby asked the caller. "Why would I bank with a company that needs all of that data simply to pull up my account?"

The calm tele-fraudster again asked for his social security number, so Baby asked for her phone number. The fraudster ignored the request, and advised that Baby would be in danger if he didn't share more information.

"Where do you get off calling people with these fake scams?" he asked. "Aren't you ashamed of yourself and the job that you have?

Calming down, Baby said he'd provide her any information she wanted in return for the names of her family members. The creepy bitch hung up.

Beware of the Capital One scam, this is the second time they've contacted the Baby housefhold. Call the real number of the bank to report the phishing attempt.

And as Baby demonstrates, you can have fun with the seedy scam artists in the process.

Sunday in the Park with Pique

2009-02-01T17:12:00.005-05:00

Baby hammed it up with Pique in Corona Heights Park, beginning with a joyous portrait of boy-with-dog, then quickly dissolving into frivolity. Discerning readers will notice Pique's freshly-shampooed coat which resulted from a Saturday night puppy spa in Baby's tub. Following the park, the duo would eat mozzarella sticks at a bar in the Castro, cheering for the abritrarily chosen Pittsburgh Steelers.

Baby Takes Puppy Rock Climbing

2009-01-31T22:13:00.002-05:00

After celebrating his puppy's first birthday January 24, Baby decided that Pique (the beloved Yorkshire Terrier) was ready for a two-pitch rock climb, on belay.

Standing on the top of a rocky precipice in Corona Heights Park, Baby coaxed Pique: "Climb! This is the real world, puppy, if you want to be successful you will climb to the top of this rock, without my help."

Pique made it to the top, tongue wagging, collapsing on the peak.

"Get up, Pique," ordered Baby. "Famous dogs don't get tired."

Pique whimpered, and complied.

A Home in San Francisco

2008-12-28T02:14:00.010-05:00

Baby settles a new home in Ashbury Heights, San Francisco. Stay tuned to see what Baby does with all the newfound space gained from his Manhattan apartment.

Moonstruck Eggs

2008-11-15T14:14:00.005-05:00

After a restful 12 hour sleep, Baby woke up at 2pm on Saturday to make his famous "Moonstruck Eggs" (popularized by the great Cher movie from 1987).

Shunning the pancakes that were already prepared and kept warm in Tupperware, Baby dove into his yokey delight with gusto.

After he ate, his dishes were miraculously cleared and cleaned for him, and he settled into the New York Times Real Estate section.

Baby gets wet in San Francisco

2008-11-15T00:55:00.002-05:00

Baby enjoyed the mists of San Francisco at the Golden Gate Park. "My skin agrees with this climate," he said. "I look forward to seeing my youthful dew in my new home."

Baby also posed in the tea room of the Queen Anne Hotel, which is purported to be a haunted locale of the city. "I think a ghost is a very nice thing to have in your new home. As long as he doesn't re-arrange my carefully folded laundry, I'm pleased with the mystic arrangement."

Baby looks forward to the fashionable scrarves and sweaters he can sport in his new home, but regrets that the hills in the Buena Vista Heights will prove difficult for his Yves Saint Laurent "Johnny Boots."

Of Mice and Bags

2008-08-30T18:06:00.016-04:00

Posing with the public art in the 14th Street subway station, Baby amused himself while waiting for the lazy A train.

"When I descend the staircase into this stuffy subway station, it's a good thing to peer underneath and see a metal mouse eating out-sized pennies," said Baby. "I enjoy the mouse - his name is Rodgey, from Poughkeepsie -despite his cheap metal coat and ill-fitting hat. I also enjoy eating money, and by 'eating' I mean spending exorbitant figures on multiple designer handbags, each of which resembles the next."

(His latest bag, the Louis Vuitton Beaubourg, is adorned with a Henri Bendel charm and pictured at right.)

Meanwhile, Pique ("PICK-wee", pictured below, left) waited patiently at home in an entirely different bag, growing jealous over the thought of his Daddy making friends with other small animals.

As the A train approached the muggy platform, our hero stepped through the doors and watched the mouse grow smaller as the car whisked him back to Hell's Kitchen. "Goodbye, Rodgey. I barely knew thee."

Baby Engagement

2008-08-01T23:53:00.002-04:00

Baby exchanged engagement rings with Herman today. He is happy with his Cartier Love Collection ring.

Farmer Baby

2008-07-28T13:47:00.002-04:00

Against the counsel provided by Herman, Baby purchased a blue plaid shirt from Gerry's on Eighth Avenue this weekend. Sporting the new article before work Monday morning, Herman conceded that he may have been wrong. The shirt wasn't half-bad.

Pique had no objections to the shirt, and seemed to appreciate the status of "farm doggie" that it extended him.

Baby Has a Picnic

2008-06-21T21:22:00.009-04:00

After trolling the Macy's home department for three weeks in search of the sold-out Martha Stewart picnic basket, Baby finally procured his box and brought Pique to a park luncheon.

Sitting in a "no-dog" zone of Pier 84 in the Hudson River Park, Baby unpacked fried chicken and a mound of mashed potatoes from Church's Chicken, a fried food emporium located between two Eighth Avenue strip clubs. Pique sipped water from wine glasses and lept across the grass as if his paws were on fire.

After a languid sun-bath and reading of "Audition: A Memoir," by Barbara Walters, Baby learned that a Hudson River Park ranger was approaching his picnic spread, intent on issuing a $50 ticket for violating the anti-canine rule. Packing his basket and clutching the pup close to his chest, Baby fled the grassy knoll to a distant sidewalk, successfully avoiding the citation.

"I abhor doggy-doo in my grass as much as the next gentleman," remarked Baby, as he sipped a "Giggle-tini"* on his Jennifer Convertible. "But Pique is a potty-trained young man who restricts his natural tendencies to Wee-Wee Pads. The park ranger was clearly on a witch-hunt."

*Giggle-tini is a cocktail invented by Baby. It consists of ice cubes, Fresca, and chilled, expensive vodka.

Doggie gets a T-shirt

2008-06-21T21:21:00.003-04:00

Baby outfitted his darling Pique in a doggie shirt from American Apparel this weekend, replete with white stretch-cotton and a green collar.

"I think he looks smart, organized, and a little daring," observed Baby as he gazed upon his T-shirted Yorkie. "Finally we can invite him to sit on the couch like civilized people."

Since receiving the T-shirt Pique has adopted more human-like behaviors, such as leaping two feet in the air when a rubber ball is held before him.

Baby Regards a Kasbah

2008-05-20T21:56:00.003-04:00

Our hero regards the view of his favorite Kasbah in the Ourzazate region of Morocco. Getting an even tan, he surveyed the growing pomegranate plants and nearby orange trees in restful peace.

In reverie like this, Baby becomes capable of the most profound thinking: "I need laser re-surfacing treatments, I need an angle-length jellabah robe (with hood), I need a Moroccan rug, and I need hair pills for combination dry/oily hair."

Now back from Morocco, Baby is looking for available Kasbahs (mud-built homes) to create his own B&B, called Baby's Hollywood Tragedy Paradise.

A Little Gentleman Arives

2008-04-14T23:18:00.009-04:00

Baby introduced his most precious "find" to date - his new Yorkshire Terrier, Pique (pronouonced PICK-wee). Pique has been a mildly curious furball since joing our apartment in Hell's Kitchen. He prefers to build forts with old gym clothes in the corner, then emerges to see what his new daddies are up to.

His latest game has been to steal puzzles pieces in his mouth and squirrel them away in his clothes-heap bed. When petting the little man, puzzle pieces can be seen resting below his belly for purposes unknown to his owners. Perhaps he plans to do his own puzzle?

The fellow also received his first bath (see pic). Being mellow and somewhat detached from the happenings in his new home, he went through the motions politely, with little to say. He is now a clean teen, in a state that shouldnt last long given his proclivity for dirty laundry.

Another strange habit of the new fellow is to chew on electrical chords.

While he's been given plenty of chew toys to abate his teething process, he much prefers the feeling of an electric curent running through his chewing object. His daddies find it to be some cause for concern but get easily distracted by the young man's adorable, patient eyes.

Baby's Tall Tale

2008-04-03T23:23:00.008-04:00

The tall, provincial night table reaches Herman's elbow. A true find at Pottery Barn, Baby knew that the "Charlotte Bedside Table" was the perfect companion for his boyfriend's reading and writing activities.

In bed, Herman will write in his journal and and read the letters of Jane Austen. "He has grown up to a big-boy table, now that he's 30," he said. "Notice the fresh roses on the blue doily."

Never estimate the well-chosen placement of a doily. It can make the scene - or destroy it forever.

"The fresh roeses were placed on the surface to provide inspiration for his night-time reflections," he said, pulling the wodden drawer to display ample storage space. It's the perfect arrangement for Herms to contemplate Babies playing with new Yorkshire Terriers."

Baby Warns of Siouxsie

2008-02-09T02:19:00.000-05:00

"Her show was great, don't get me wrong." he said. "She kicked her legs higher than a kickboxer class at my gym. But sadly, she refused to meet me. I want to tell her how much her songs mean to me, and she's too afraid of meeting her 2-8 fans waiting in line. She should be so lucky to have anyone waiting in line. She better play "Heaven And Alchmemy" the next night, or she's off my wedding list. Siouxsie has one last chance to prove she has class. Siouxsie really needs to take a stronger look at her base and realize we appreciate her art and we're not here to hurt her. I don't know why she's so frightened of her own fans." Tomorrow, Baby plan to meet Siouxsie head-on as she enters the venue to begin practice. More soon.

2008-02-09T01:55:00.000-05:00

Baby waited for 50 minutes in the cold to meet Siouxsie Sioux. All he wanted was to get an autograph of his concert ticket and tell her that his wedding song would be her majestic "Heavean and Alchemy." - which she did not play.

Siouxsie snubbed Baby and the other 6 fans waiting with CD covers to sign. It was all a very innocent scene, but Sioux decided to leave another door and not say good bye to the tiny, likeable crowd that only wished her well. Instead she ducked into a black minivan, like a terrorist. It was not a scene be-fitting a lady and it showed a remarkable lack of graciousness or class. Baby is now down on Siouxsie.

Quilting for Burgers

2008-01-28T22:11:00.001-05:00

Baby finished a beautiful hand-sewn quilt for his loving Mother, who in turn agreed to supply him with a steady bankroll of cheeseburgers.*

Striking a heartfelt, emotional chord, he weaved a patchwork of triangular, inter-locking pieces taken from his mother's junior prom dress. Bordering the gown pieces, he lined blocks of nostalgic dish towels that his mother used as a child (growing up in central Utah).

These squares feature images of produce on the left flank. The right flank is comprised by a vertically-stacked column of playful, hand-stitched kittens engaging in various activities (e.g., fishing, washing pants, relaxing in an armchair). Each of these towels is preserved in their original state with the day of the towel's intended use printed in graceful cursive lettering. (The kitten on the chair towel, fitfully, was designed as a Sunday towel).

Baby will continue to sew quilts in support of the energy future of America and may take up White House (P)resident George W. Bush's call for "armies of compassion" as elicited in the 2008 State of the Union address. "An Army of quilters would be fierce and disciplined," he said solemnly. "You don't mess with a man and his needle."

*Creative license was taken - no burgers actually exchanged hands.

Baby Flips Out

2008-01-28T22:02:00.000-05:00

He doesn't have plans to bring back the Baby-fro, but our hero will refrain from haircuts for an non-specified amount of time.

"Watch for curls, and maybe even a perm," he advised, before furrowing his brow and becoming pensive. "Well, probably not a perm. But curls will happen."

How to Calm a Baby

2008-01-25T13:09:00.001-05:00

Contrary to this helpful illustration, our Baby responds well to both methods of calming.

Baby's Pee-Wee Herman Shoes

2008-01-17T22:31:00.000-05:00

Baby models his new white shoes. Thoughts?

Baby Casts Vote on "Supermodel"

2008-01-10T23:13:00.000-05:00

The first episode of Bravo's Make me a Supermodel is over and Baby's verdicts are in:

Dominic's surfer chic won't carry him far in the modeling world. Of all people he should be more relaxed but he's so stiff and boring. When he complained about the weight of his necklace during the first shoot, Baby had no sympathy. "Suck it up, this is modeling," he said, referring to his own experience in the profession (see Sally Hirschberger post below).

"Sarah should scoot off the show on her own long torso," he said.

Beyond the models, Baby wonders if any viewers are finding Tyson Beckford's teasing, tough-guy approach to be boring, expected and distracting from the beauty of the show. For inspiration, Baby has included a shot of how a model should look, right.

In close, Baby is left wondering what really happened to Perry's foot. A drunken fall?

Baby's $900 Haircut

2007-12-30T21:35:00.000-05:00

Baby got a free haircut from celebrity stylist Sally Hershberger. Worth $900, the haircut has made Baby a star in the Hell's Kitty ecosystem. "I was so excited to get a free haircut from Sally, I took a tampon from the restroom as a keepsake!" he said. He now flips his hair and turns to the side, instantly, when he senses a camera in his presence.

Jalapeno Baby

2007-10-27T21:41:00.000-04:00

Baby took a gamble and painted his kitchen "jalapeno pepper" (Benjamin Moore) this weekend. His partner, Herman, was doubtful of the compatibility between the apartment's Louis XVI theme and the new Chipotle hues, but in the end the provincial Russu-Itiliano china positively popped against the rich, warm color. Baby stands triumphant with his color selection (above) and is now looking for taupes to finish his family room. Stay tuned for more expressions of his interior flair.

German Air Purifier

2007-10-14T12:10:00.000-04:00

Baby placed an important call today in the name of clean breathing air and hydrated skin. "We are the proud new owners of the Venta Air washer," he exclaimed after making the call. "It’s the top European air washer - made in Germany*, so you know it will last."

The charcoal grey appliance comes with fragrance packets that add scent to the clean air. Baby was also attracted by the 10-year warranty: "The Venta will allow us to breath better and have proper humidity levels all year round."

**The purifier's country of origin does not indicate that the appliance will treat Baby's German boyfriend, however, whom Baby often claims to be full of hot air.

Brunch Baby

2007-10-13T18:19:00.000-04:00

Baby and visiting gal-pal Suzie enjoyed a brunch of Moroccan omlettes and strawberry waffles at Marseille in Hell's Kitchen. Attempting to order en Francais, Baby snapped his fingers, barked "Garcon!" and slowly repeated the only other French word he knew, "existentialism." Bewildered, the waiter asked him to clarify. Rather than revert to English, Baby switched to the universal language of mime. In deference to the late Marcel Marceau, he acted out the breakfast order with astonishing dynamism - including a silent re-enactment of a chicken laying an egg.

Baby Finds a Stand-in Boyfriend

2007-08-25T13:22:00.001-04:00

Frustrated with lack of attention from his current boyfriend, Baby built a look-alike companion replete with blonde hair and preference for pizza (much like his real-life boyfriend).

Grabbing a wig from the closet, he stretched the haipiece over a memory-foam knee pillow which supposedly resembled his boyfriend's face. After cuddling with the new boyfriend in the morning, he served lunch and promised to bring him to The Strand bookstore to sell a collection of old books.

Baby Loves New England

2007-08-24T09:49:00.000-04:00

Baby took his first trip to New England this week, visiting the charming harbor town of Portsmouth, New Hampshire. He liked the market square, the draw bridge and the town's natural goods shop, where he sampled too much Vitamin C and informed the owner (with pal Andrea) that the natural licorice tasted awful. He also liked driving a rental car - a Chevy Aveo that he nicknamed the Chevy Areola - but didn't like the traffic on the Massachusetts Turnpike.

"They should call it 'Passachusetts'," he said. "All you should do it pass through it."

Baby Dreams of Simpsons

2007-07-01T11:36:00.000-04:00

Baby had a remarkable dream this morning about visiting the upstairs floor of the home featured in "The Simpsons."

He explained his cartoon journey in a excited, rushed tones upon first awakening.

"I got to explore the seldom-seen upstairs rooms of the Simpson house. It was a special tour just for me - cartoon people are really considerate. You don't usually get to see those rooms on the show."

Baby vowed to re-visit the Simpson home tonight.

South Jersey Baby

2007-06-02T22:58:00.000-04:00

Summer has arrived -- and Baby sends wishes for a happy season supported by responsible skin care. "It's time to relax with your friends and family," advised Baby. "But don't forget to protect your supple, glowing skin. Carry 45-spf lotion at all times. And as a responsible sandle-wearer, you should certainly be getting bi-weekly pedicures. Put your best foot forward."

Tartan Baby

2007-04-29T19:23:00.000-04:00

Proving that men look great in kilts, Baby took a stroll in his newest accessory, purchased expressly for the Tartan Day celebration of Scottish culture. Baby was pleased to observe numerous whisky specials and boisterous crowds of would-be Scots throughout the afternoon.

"It was fun to get a break from pants," he said. "But I'll think twice before wearing a kilt without underwear on the West Side Highway overpass."

Illegal Eye Cream

2007-03-30T11:29:00.000-04:00

Baby spent a few minutes this morning searching for European eye creams online.

"They have better stuff that is illegal in the U.S.," he explained. "I hate the FDA, always getting in Baby's way."

Fizzy-O's

2007-03-29T15:36:00.000-04:00

Baby's snack tip of the week:
If you put an Oreo in your mouth and take a sip of Diet Coke, the white filling fizzes on your tongue. "I call it a Fizzy-O's," Baby said. "I have been making Fizzy-O's all day - I'm on my third can."

Hell's Kitty

2007-03-25T22:26:00.000-04:00

Baby took a stroll through his beloved neighborhood today after reading a New York Times article about the surge of gay residents in Hell's Kitchen.

A Brand is Born

2007-03-24T18:27:00.000-04:00

Baby took the first step toward branding his men's line today, ordering a batch of purple labels that read "Joseph Stuart." Expect to see the purple tags on your favorite clothes and accessories soon.

Men Should Wear Floral

2007-03-17T22:54:00.000-04:00

Baby was fast at work on a new line of men's accessories - including vests, ascots and bow-ties. He was using 100 percent pure silk with a floral embrodery. "Men need to learn how to rock floral embroidery," he said.

Shelves Above the Fridge?

2007-03-05T21:18:00.000-05:00

Only in a home built for the tallest of Babies would a shelf above the fridge be feasible.

Today our hero purchased wood from Dyke's Lumber, which he painted and mounted with Victorian wall props.

"I was thinking of buying wall board from Home Depot, but they didn't offer the simplest of cutting services," said Baby. "Since they offered to cut the board for me, I got wood at Dyke's."

Baby Takes Flight

2007-03-01T21:20:00.000-05:00

In a moment of airborne whimsy, Baby felt the wind beneath his wings with a pair of plastic flaps.

"I'm a plane!" he exclaimed, as he dipped and weaved in front of a wind machine at a children's science museum.

After 20 minutes, he put the flaps aside and re-fueled with a bag of chocolate gummies.

The Boy King

2007-02-23T19:50:00.000-05:00

Baby tapped into his inner Tut at the Franklin Institute in Philadelphia. "I am the Baby King," he pronounced. "When I die, I will take all of my jewelry and candy with me." The surrounding children were duly impressed, and proferred ointments and ornaments of gold.

B-Money

2007-02-05T22:31:00.000-05:00

After a long day at work, Baby shut the bedroom door and rolled gleefully on a mattress of twenty-dollar bills. Having guessed the correct Super Bowl score in the office jackpot, he won $200 from his envious colleagues. In a private moment, he counted up the number of Take 5 candy bars that he could now afford to purchase.

Baby Eats

2007-02-01T14:33:00.000-05:00

In a recent IM discussion with Baby, our hero discussed his massive appetite at work today.

"After breakfast, I had a pb&j sandwhich and an apple grain bar for a snack," he said. "For lunch I had a big plate of jumbo peppered shrimp, mushroom chicken in a truffle sauce, and a field green salad."

Looking ahead to the end of his work day, he mused, "Hopefully there will be some cookies later for desert. If not I will have to go out and top off my meal with a Snickers, Three Musketeers and Take 5. My colleagues are horrified."

Baby Sings a Song of Hinduism

2007-01-27T14:26:00.000-05:00

Using his plush Mary doll as a prop for interpretive dance, Baby sang a song of conversion to his roommate Clare this morning. Convinced that her Catholic roots were failing her, Baby appropriated the spiritual symbolism of Mary to extol the virtues of Hinduism to his roommate. Not completely sold on the idea, Clare watched as he put the benefits of Hinduism into a Broadway song format, waving Mary's arms, toes and backside to the music.

Investor Baby

2006-12-21T14:22:00.000-05:00

Baby lamented the slumping trading markets today. "The stocks are just going down, down, down," he said, reviewing his portfolio. "I'm losing dollars and dollars on this," he added. "I may lose the $15 nest egg I built from my eBay earnings."

After glancing at a WSJ headline explaining part of the downfall ( Stocks Drop on Philly Fed Report), he grew concerned for his growing company. "NOOOOO! Philly Fed may devastate Giggle Butts Holding Co."

Baby in Paintings

2006-12-17T18:45:00.000-05:00

Baby's likeness was captured in oils by NY artist Sean Noyce. His winning smile, flawless skin and Tiffany bracelet are now part of Noyce's new Web gallery.

Free Pies

2006-12-02T20:02:00.000-05:00

Baby received a free coupon for Drake's Apple Pies after writing a letter to the company expressing his preference for their product. Regular readers will remember the "little pies" song he composed while sipping cofee and nibbling the little snacks. His note to the company included the poem and a special request that Drake's supply more of its apple-flavored line at his favored supermarket in Manhattan.

A Time for Gummies

2006-11-17T14:17:00.000-05:00

After coming in to some new cash flow this week, Baby made immediate plans to fill up on his favorite delicacy: chocolate-covered gummy bears.

"I will fill up a huge bag and the man will be like 'hey you ain't got no money'," Baby said. "Then I will fan a $10 bill in his face and be like 'What do you call this?'"

Election Baby

2006-11-07T22:00:00.000-05:00

Despite feeling disenfranchised about being denied simple human rights in the United States - marriage, adoption, a reasonable retirement age, stardom - Baby cast his ballot today in the mid-term elections.

Our young hero was not alone in the voting booth, however.

Behind the felt curtain, Baby was quietly peeling the wrapper off a purloined Twinkie. His third Twinkie of the day, the spongey cake was devoured quietly in the sanctity of the ballot booth - only the sound of a moving lever could be heard.

Baby Finds Pink Candy

2006-11-06T23:19:00.000-05:00

Baby proudly stands before a sculpture of gleaming pink rocks at the Bronx Botanical Gardens. Likening the irregular blocks to "pop rocks" candy, Baby found an artwork that served to sweeten his dreams of being a global pop star with his own line of merchandise.

Baby Lion

2006-11-02T23:10:00.000-05:00

During a visit to a children's playground last month, Baby found himself drawn to a standing wood cut-out of a golden lion. With similar cut outs of a tin man and scarecrow in proximity, the children were to believe that their playground had been transformed to the magical land of Oz. That is, until Joseph hoisted himself behind the animal and peered at the children from the circular facial frame.
"I'm going to eat you little midgets," he said. "Give me your snack pies or face my wrath." The children dutifuly handed over their packaged pies and the Baby Lion Massacre was averted.

Baby Fires a Cannon

2006-10-15T14:20:00.000-04:00

Baby got in the spirit at a Civil War re-enactment in Mullica Hill, NJ.

At Home with Baby

2006-10-12T23:03:00.000-04:00

More photos of Baby's new home. Cat nip grows next to a miniature palm, which Baby hopes will grow into a full size palm tree one day. Hovering above the palm is Joseph's Roman Shade, which he constructed before work this morning at 6 a.m.

In the kitchen, a dishwasher gladly scrubs the many dishes Baby uses throughout the day--from his oatmeal bowl to his salmon plate to his vodka shotglass. The feet of his new roommate, Clare, peek from under the dishwasher door. When Baby's two housemates don't empty the dishwasher in the morning, he gives them a reproving scowl.

Baby Gets a Huge Couch

2006-10-11T22:11:00.000-04:00

"Witness the Cadillac," says Baby, pointing to the new Jennifer Convertible couch. Perched in the middle of the room, the new piece of furniture dwarfes everything in sight. The adjacent entertainment center and bookshelves look like doll furniture in comparison.

Baby has used the comfortable cushion to continue his sewing projects. He's now lacing string through a roman shade, which will be hooked up to a pulley system and mounted under the window to block the view of the neighboring parking lot.

Also, in the spirit of Halloween, Baby has been spooking up the room with ghosts and pumpkins.

Baby Moves to Midtown

2006-10-10T22:02:00.000-04:00

After a two-year stint in Chelsea, Baby packed his self-portraits and moved to Hell's Kitchen. Leaving a tight studio for an expansive two-bedroom, he has worked diligently to fill the home with elegant, tasteful decor. After joining an online curtain-making club, he designed and constructed chocolate-colored roman shades for the bedroom and living room. He also selected a beige Jennifer Convertible sofabed to fill his first-ever living room in NYC. "We overshot on the Jennifer," remarked Baby. "It's like a Cadillac in a small garage." (pics to come)

While the exposed brick in the master bedroom "seems a little to 1990," he has transformed the space with decadent silk lampshades, low lighting and canvas-colored wall paint (pictured above and right).

Pies in the Morning

2006-08-02T10:36:00.000-04:00

To sweeten his morning in the office, Baby has taken to eating the apple cutie-pies that mothers often give to their children. Shaped like empanadas with a hard flakey shell and fruit filling, the pies inspired him to pen this ditty at work:

I eat little pies with my coffee
just the littlest pies with my coffee
flakey crust
glazzzed top
just the littlest pies with my coffee

Baby Declines to Help

2006-07-14T16:24:00.000-04:00

On the first day of Baby's triumphant return to Italian Class, Baby laid early claim to his newest mortal enemy. The woman, a fellow student with hippie leanings (dubbed "Earth Mama"), did not have her own text book. As Baby's desk neighbor, she looked over his shoulder to follow the lecture.

During a break she asked if she might peruse its pages. As a gentleman, Baby obliged and presented her with the book. After a quick glance, she denounced the text as pedestrian and designed for the culturally ignorant. Incensed, Baby snatched back the book, placed it in his Gucci handbag with a frown.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean that you were ignorant," said Earth Mama, "just the people who read this book."

"I read this book," said Baby, coolly.

"But I'm sure that you're not ignorant," she stammered.

"Forget it," said Baby. And with finality, "It's done."

Sleep-in Baby

2006-07-07T11:02:00.000-04:00

Baby had considerable trouble getting out of bed this morning. After hitting the snooze button four times, he raised his weary head and gazed at the clock: 8:20 a.m. With only 40 minutes to get dressed and out the door for work, he gently burrowed his mop of big curly hair under a pillow--destined for a late Friday morning.

Baby Rides a Donkey

2006-05-16T09:28:00.000-04:00

Baby's sojourn in Greece will come to a close this Thursday, ending days of blue beaches, all-day hiking and lumbering rides on a donkey named "Kicky." Baby, whose legs stretch to the ground while aboard the donkey, gave him the name as a celebration of the number of kicks the donkey must receive to get moving at a decent pace. "The Germans on their four-wheelers, sporting black socks with sandals, are all moving faster than Kicky and me," he lamented. "We have to stop and eat grass every few feet."
Still, Baby will probably miss Kicky in the end. His fondness of animals knows no bounds, even when he has to kick their sides to move faster. "I just want them to excel in life. Is that so bad?"

God Save the Queen

2006-04-21T08:33:00.000-04:00

Baby put on his special suit yesterday for Queen Elizabeth's 80th birthday jubilee. He will be joining the gala at Windsor Castle to present her with some of his left-over Easter candy.

"I picked Cadbury's, which I think she will appreciate as a company that operates in the British empire," said Baby.

When asked what he will say to the revered figurehead when presenting his gift, he said, "Happy Birthday, Queen."

Baby advised that her likely response will be, "Cheers, possum."

Facing puzzled looks, Baby explained, "She's always called me 'possum'."

Jesus Killed the Dinosaurs?

2006-04-07T15:59:00.000-04:00

Who knew a recent trip to the Natural History Museum in New York City could lead to a Bible lesson from Baby? Strolling through the dinosaur exhibits on the fourth floor, he spiced up an other wise lackluster fossil tour with a smattering of prehistorical facts.

"Jeebus came to earth to destroy the dinosaurs," advised Baby, pointing to a reconstructed tricerotops. "He saved us from our sins and the threat of human extinction at the hands of carnivorous beasts. Jeebus came to stand for mercy, forgiveness and upright vertebrae."

Baby Talks to Women's Wear Daily

2006-03-30T15:37:00.000-05:00

Baby fired off an email to his favorite trade publication today, Women's Wear Daily, after reading an article about a bogus beauty products company. How can they print articles about such drivel?
In what will likely be a one-sided conversation, Baby continued.
"In addition to the fact that you are writing articles about bogus beauty products, I want to start an empire like Liz Claiborne," he said. "But can people do it now? In these modern times, no one can create a business and make it big because all the big ones are there to gobble you up. And if you don't sell, they run you out of business!"
Moving squarely beyond his original reason for contacting the publication, Baby continued to discuss his plans for empire.
"I need to start an empire or else I will never be happy," he lamented.

Side Money

2006-03-28T13:53:00.000-05:00

Baby called a good friend today to ask advice on getting a second job. He wanted to work in a Soho bar as a host, where he would greet guests four nights a week. He calculated the earnigns and realized that he could make almost $900/week just saying "hi" to people.

He went on to say that he'd save the money to buy two-year government bonds every time he reached $1,000, then get a home in five years so he could "put around in the yard and plant things."

When the friend said the job might take too much of his personal time, Baby replied "That's okay. I've already moved on to other ideas now. You know me."

If you have any ideas for Baby's money-making capers, please post your suggestions.

Project Runway

2006-03-27T11:18:00.000-05:00

Baby tried out for the Bravo series "Project Runway" this weekend. In just one day, he created a classic pink dress with a 1950's cut, designed to fit his gal pal Clare. He also re-vamped his fashion portfolio to reflect his changing tastes since first compiling it in design school.

The judges loved his style, particularly his crisp army coat with fox stole. Unfortunately, his "look" didn't fit the parameters of next season's show. Still, Baby says the energy of designing and meeting deadlines reminded him of his student days in Los Angeles. "It's so easy to forget what's important to us," Baby said after the audition. "Even when you've got a day job, you shouldn't let your true talent and creative drive go wasted."

Baby Endorses New Products

2006-03-21T21:55:00.000-05:00

Baby's buzz marketing scheme continues...
This week Baby received a box of sample-size Nutella pouches that he is supposed to hand out to friends and family with one dollar coupons to buy the product. In exchange, the recipient listens to him talk about how Nutella was invented after WWII by an Italian chef. Running low on chocolate, the chef added hazelnuts to his cocoa, stirred it up and voila! Nutella.
"Beyond the fascinating history," Baby advised, "is the low calorie content of this delicious product. Spreading Nutella on a bagel instead of cream cheese will be sure to save fat intake and leave you smiling."
In return for his buzz marketing efforts, Baby received a jar of the spread for personal use. His fingers are still crossed to receive marketing products for Botox, so he can throw a lavish party with alcohol and injectable beauty treatments.

Excuse Me, There's a Queue

2006-03-06T22:13:00.000-05:00

Baby lost his cool last weekend during a routine trip to the neighborhood alcohol store. Holding his 40 ounce bottle of Ketel One vodka in his leather-gloved fingers, he prepared to place the purchase and form of payment on the check-out counter when another shopper cut in line, asking the clerk for a box of Blush wine.

Offended by the rude gesture--and the cheap wine--Baby told the fellow to move back in line. When the man apologized, Baby lectured the bewildered brute about the proper actions for a penitent cutter. When the man still didn't take his place in line, Baby held his tongue and focused on his vodka bottle.

Calming his inner tiger, our hero was poised and collected throughout the remaining purchase experience until he left the shop and arrived at the street corner, where he spotted the offender waiting for the crossing light to change.

"Oh! You just had to rush out of the store, didn't you?" he demanded. "You couldn't wait in line like the rest of us! Well look how far it got you now, jerk!"

And with that, all of the self control Baby had mustered was released into the cold, bitter New York night.

Cadbury Baby

2006-02-21T22:20:00.000-05:00

Baby bought his first Cadbury Eggs of the season last weekend, signaling his transition into Easter preparation mode. Licking his sticky fingers after four successive chocolate eggs, Baby smiled encouragingly at his guests.

"Have one," he said, his voice thick and milky. "It's got nougat."

Valentine's Baby

2006-02-14T09:15:00.000-05:00

Baby wishes all his dear readers a Happy Valentine's Day.

"Seize the day, my fellow lovers of the world! Celebrate amour in all its fashions....well, most of its fashions anyway. Feast kisses upon your desired beau, but don't forget to share a quite moment pondering the historic significance of 1929's Valentine's Day Massacre."

For any parties interested in sending Baby a Valentine, please mail a Take 5 candy bar to Baby Enterprises, B Times Square, NY, NY 100BB.

Sour Grapes?

2006-02-07T22:44:00.000-05:00

Baby received five pounds of grapes today from Manhattan grocery delivery service Fresh Direct. He thought he was only ordering one pound, but consumed the bunch with zeal and a sense of urgency. When asked by a food logistics analyst, "Are you crazy?", Baby replied, "Crazy for grapes? Why yes, I am."

It was only after eating the five pounds that Baby realized his mistake, and began to worry he'd get "the skitters," as they call the body condition in John Steinback's "Grapes of Wrath" (which Baby is currently reading with his friend, Charlotte). The realization quickly flared his temper.

"It was irresponsible for Fresh Direct to assume that I'd know the difference between one and five pounds of grapes," he said in a prepared, perfumed statement.

Baby warned that, although he didn't want to resort to legal action, he would take Fresh Direct to small claims court "if he had to." He was quick to add that court appearances would make an ideal launching pad for his pop star career in Japan.*

*Baby's agent requests that readers refrain from deconstructing the logic of this last statement.

Giggle Butts

2006-01-29T21:23:00.000-05:00

Baby's new business, which now only exists as a Microsoft PowerPoint presentation, is called Giggle Butts. Named to invoke feelings of boundless laughter and (somehow) haute couture, GB will be a retail outlet with "stuff that's not junk." As Cher will be the spokesperson, Baby only refers to the company's segment of the market as "market Cher."

Pictured at left: Baby and a potential investor from San Francisco.

Baby Ranks Stuff

2006-01-23T09:42:00.000-05:00

In his first "best" and "worst of" list, Baby offers a snapshot of his ephemeral preferences. He invites your suggestions in the comment box below.
Hot:

Benny's Burritos (Greenwich Village, NYC)
Frosted Mini-Wheats cereal
The Chi (hair straightener)
free samples at Sephora
Cher

Not:

Verizon (home phone and broadband Internet service)
Meat Packing District (NYC)
Canada (They think they're so great because they can own guns and still not shoot others)
Dick Cheney

Baby Joins Buzz Marketing Group

2006-01-09T13:22:00.000-05:00

In another money-making caper, Baby has joined a buzz marketing group that pays him money to talk to friends about products. "The power of word-of-mouth is a formidable force that can be harnassed to build and destroy brands in just seconds," he said. "I've already made $20 in Visa giftcards and received a plethora of pre-paid phone cards. Any time I want to make a call on the street, I can stop at a payphone and pull out these handy cards, which are much easier than a cell phone."

When pressed on the nature of the buzz marketing work, Baby was quick to defend its integrity. "This is not a pyramid scheme," he avowed with the proper degree of concern and solemnity.

2006-01-05T08:42:00.000-05:00

In a rare gesture of unprovoked benevolence, Baby decided to wish his readers a Happy New Year and prosperity for 2006. "It's the least I could do for you, my gentle readers," he effused. "Since I can't be with you all now, I send you the ligth and warming glow of my prescence." Baby also noted that '06 would go down as the year that he launched his career as an international pop star of stage and screen. Watch this space for details.

'Tis the Baby

2005-12-03T19:17:00.000-05:00

As the cold winds blow down 6th Avenue, Baby stopped for a minute to think about the wonders of Christmas.

"If Jeebus were alive today, he'd surely wear a fashionable newsboy cap in this cold weather," he mused.

"I plan to celebrate the birth of Christ with a frosted cocktail and the latest CD from Italian boy band Divo. Decking Halls and highballs, that's my stylo, baby," he added.

As shoppers rush retail outlets for iPod nanos and $399 laptops, Baby welcomes any suggestions of gifts he should receive this Christmas. No ideas under $100, he requests, and no suggestions from The Gap or donations to humanitarian causes are required.

Bumble and Bumble

2005-11-21T16:34:00.000-05:00

Baby's pal Clare took him for an $80 hair wash at the esteemed Bumble & Bumble salon this weekend. Sporting a slicked-back, blonde Italian 'do when he came home, he managed to keep the hair style set for two whole days thereafter. He's now looking into an elevated head rest to support his neck while he sleeps, which keeps his hair from touching the mattress and tussling his finely placed hairs.

Business Baby

2005-11-13T18:30:00.000-05:00

Joseph's new online business, Baby Enterprises, Inc., was launched quietly last month as the weather turned to a cooler, more suitable temperature for indoor computer work. The online start-up has quickly emerged as a multi-dollar success, yielding high profit margins with little to no overhead. Recent sales have included several Lladros, a penguin-shaped martini shaker, and a hannukah decorative plate.

"I'm making tens of dollars!" Baby exclaimed, while sipping a saspirilla on a Chelsea avenue.

Not all sales, however, have been so easy. "I should have never accepted a final bid of $2.99 for that German beer stein," he lamented. "That's the last time I go on Ebay after taking Ambien."

Back in the Game

2005-11-11T09:48:00.000-05:00

After a long night of rest, Baby stretched his arms and wiggled his toes to greet a new day. As he dressed for work, he opted for a more collegiate look to express his bookish side. His serious attitude befitted the vest, with the exception of his comment that NPR's Nina Totenberg's actual name is Nina "Tokenberg." The mere thought of an NPR reporter smoking a fat "J" before reading the news sent him into brief bursts of hysterics and a short, improvised victory dance.

Baby Nap

2005-11-10T21:00:00.000-05:00

Baby took a nap today after a trying morning at work. "I only hope I can be fabulous and bubbly for my public later this evening," he said. After an afternoon of gentle rest, Baby emerged with energy and good cheer.

Cruelty to Cats?

2005-11-04T11:12:00.000-05:00

Baby was on a cruel streak this morning, when he told his friend Clare to beat her cat, pull her tail and scream in her ears to teach her a lesson. Confiding in a friend later, he added, "Then I am going to turn her in for harming an animal, and I will get Lucy." Lucy is the name Baby has given to Clare's cat, whose real name is Markie (after Markie Post, of "Night Court" fame).

2005-11-03T20:48:00.000-05:00

Baby in Furs

It's official. Winter is near, and Joseph has broken out the furs. Also in circulation are his cashmere sweaters and thick, hip-fitting pants. Expect winter hair and a new worldview philosphy, coming soon...

Pumps for Halloween

2005-10-25T21:41:00.000-04:00

Baby is practicing his strut in a pair of new, pink, impossibly high heels that he bought for Halloween today (nevermind the fetish shops he had to visit to find such shoes in a men's size).

He decided to be Kate Moss in honor of her cocaine scandal, and will even sport baby powder on his nostrils for full effect. More than anything, he assures us, he wants the costume to be a tasteful tribute to the fallen model.

Getting used to the shoes, he adds, has not been easy. "These are some mama jamas," he said.

Modeling Job

2005-10-13T09:25:00.000-04:00

Baby has plans to work his way into an advertising shoot that he learned will take place in the Meatpacking District later this month. As he doubles up on Pilates and fish oil pills, he is wondering if he should dye his hair brown or light blonde. As always, he welcomes suggestions.

Baby Joins Biblical Group

2005-10-07T09:34:00.000-04:00

Earlier this morning Baby decided to accept Jesus and join an Australia-based online Biblical society. They send him regular Bible updates and, one imagines, suggestions for holy living.

"They send me little holy tid-bits in an ultra tacky format," he enthused. While many agree there is no better candidate in need of such influence, some question why he joined an off-shore group.

"He's outsourcing his religion," a friend said.
For more, visit www.biblesociety.com.au.

Baby Advocates a Cowboy Lifestyle

2005-10-03T21:25:00.000-04:00

Baby got a new belt today straight from the tanneries of Jackson Hole, Wyoming. While the designer was unable to craft a buckle with Joseph's face emblazoned upon the plate, he was able to find an arrowhead bald eagle to his liking.

"I'm going to be a cowboy," Baby advised. He looks forward to riding horses and herding cows, much like fellow belt lover Jake Gyllenhaal. He is also fast at work on a business plan for cowboy beauty products.

Second Homes

2005-10-02T20:16:00.000-04:00

Joseph sounded off on Manhattan parents today, complaining about super-size strollers and their implicit right-of-way on the sidewalk. Why should the urban childless step aside for those who decide to procreate?

"I don't like children," he said. "I like puppies and second homes."

2005-09-28T22:03:00.000-04:00

Baby Ponders Halloween

As October 31 approaches, Baby is contemplating a costume for the first time in his career as a New Yorker.

While last year's dress-up involved a paltry application of glitter to the eyelids, he is considering the oft-forgotten banana for 2005. One of his favorite peel-able fruits, the banana boasts a form factor that compliments his lithe build.

Should he be the banana? Or should he consider his options--a tree, a celery stalk; perhaps a simmering kilbasa?

Note: Costume does not come with smoothie coupon girl from the Flatiron district.

Don't Mess with Baby

2005-09-11T20:58:00.000-04:00

Contrary to popular belief, Joseph has quite an agressive streak. Walking home from the grocery store one recent evening, our hero with blonde streaks was accosted by a hungry homeless man. The guy violently pulled Joseph's arm and reached for his groceries, while Joseph protested that the man didn't want what Joseph had for him.

Fatefully, the assailant would not release Joseph's arm. Furious, our hero swung his Italian designer bag into the man's face three times in short, chopping motions (he learned the move on "King of the Hill"). The man curled on the ground in a fetal position, at which point Joseph delivered a swift kick to the gut before moving on with his evening. Lesson learned?

Baby and the City

2005-09-09T23:20:00.000-04:00

Baby met Sarah Jessica Parker of "Sex and the City" today. He bought her new perfume and asked her to sign the bottle with a Sharpie pen. She complied. He told her that he'd taken a long lunch break from his job to meet her. She told him to get some food.