Staging Crimes

Baby has been staging crime scenes in the car to deter a new band of local thieves.

"If I ransack the Honda myself, these hooligans will move on to other cars," he explained.

The strategy has worked. A string of car thefts on the block have repeatedly omitted the Honda.

Unfortunately, the car looks like a crime scene at all times. An open glove compartment, flipped ash tray, and strewn papers are now part of the driving experience.

*Note: the three boxes of Arm and Hammer are not part of the ruse. Baby has long used baking soda to absorb smells baked into the '95 Honda.

He Burns

A 50-pound box of candlemaking supplies arrived for Baby today. Luckily, Herman was home to receive (and lift) the shipment.

How will Baby balance his new candlemaking hobby with a rigorous law school program?

A lemon-verbena candle, made by Baby.

"There's a joke in here somewhere about burning the wick at both ends, but frankly I'm too busy reading this book to break it down for you," he said in a prepared statement.

Freedom Lemons

Baby resumed his life of lemon thievery today, pulling four choice fruits from a community tree.

"I deny nothing," he said. "Lemons are a basic right."

It has been two years since Baby's last run-in with the Home Owners Association. The new infraction will likely pass unnoticed since most residents were attending July 4 BBQs at the time.

"My fight against autocratic rule is not unlike the Declaration of Independence made by our forefathers 286 years ago," he said. "My landlord pays dues to the HOA, and I can't abide by taxation without lemontation."

En Grande Tenue

A French dictionary was needed to translate "En Grande Tenue."

The phrase, meaning "fine evening clothes," is silk-screened on Baby's latest show-stopper: an Hermes scarf, framed and mounted over the bed.

"Arresting, yet soothing," he said. "The vast expanse of this bedroom demands a large, bold piece. With this object, I wanted to combine the effects of a fine painting and sumptuous tapestry." 

Blues and purples mix with the grey theme of the room, punctuated by bursts of color that please the eye without distracting. 

Baby mounts the frame, en pajama

"Herman used to doubt that fashion could be high art," said Baby. "This piece is a reminder, every night when we go to bed, that he is usually wrong." 

He Plants

Baby spent Memorial Day carefully choosing new plants for the home. "Never underestimate the power of a few well-selected plants," he said, examining a succulent at the Hortica nursery on Castro. "Avoid too many plants, however. Show some restraint."

After some deliberation, agave was named the winner. Joseph took three plants of various sizes.

One agave was planted in a glossy green pot, which now decorates the cable box next to the TV. Small pebbles were arranged on the surface.

Another stands outside the front door in a terra cotta pot.

The last, a small baby agave, was arranged inside a circular terrarium with sand and charcoal.

Since San Francisco doesn't receive much sun, and his apartment is like a dark cave, Baby will rotate the cactus-like plants in the sun patches which appear at 8am and 4pm through the front and back windows. "It takes some commitment, but the agave will reward you with its delightfully proud spikes."  

From Dull to Delicious

"With a steady hand and small dabs of rubber cement, you can transform that drab office into a stimulating idea lab."

Thus advised Baby after hanging his "wallpaper" - a daring pattern of red birds on pink cherry blossoms, set against a pale blue background. Such a bold look is not accomplished without contingency plans.

"Instead of real wallpaper, I use high quality gift wrap," revealed Baby. "Easy to affix, fast to remove."

Nearby, a new terrarium features his favorite plant mix - succulents - in a bed of layered white sand and charcoal. From time to time, Herman will place small statues of religious icons in the bowl -- meant to inspire greater religious devotion in the household. The saints are inevitably removed with the speed and discretion of a true Italian professional.

Perched atop the breakfast bar, an Irish crystal decanter allows the morning light to shine and refract through its rounded column. Slices of lemon, watermelon and peach infuse the waters each day.

"After adding the refreshing fruit, I like to remove the lid for five minutes," said Baby. "It allows the fruit gas to escape without fogging the beautiful glass."

Grey Matter

Baby thought carefully about Herman's birthday. "He needs a new bedroom look," he pronounced.

"Soothing grays. Cool blues. Rococo, with a French Country twist. And Hollywood overdose, the room must scream 'quaaludes'."

To build his sanctuary, Baby crafted a dark gray floor liner to break up the five-foot tall bed. He then stuffed the comforter inside a slip of mixed gray hues -- or grey, which he insists is more continental. Inside the duvet he stretched dark sheets of 100 linen, providing a pleasant texture to tired Herman legs.

"The idea is to calm a Herman after a long

day's work, so I can read about Downton Abbey in goddamn peace," he mused.

After mounting a bronze mirror on the far wall, he gazed across the room

at a black owl candle holder, placed on the desk to inspire wise journaling.

"Herman only turns 34 once," he said. "This bedroom is a muted, hushed sacred space which doubles as a meditation chamber and sometimes-panic room. Enjoy."