Baby and the Gold Pillows

Joseph beautifies the home. Grabbing his box of fashion tools and large swaths of silk, Baby created two gold chinois pillows that perfectly accentuate his new Macy's couch with flanking chaise lounges. The process took him less than an hour. The room's new statelihood will now stand up to centuries.

Too Much Birthday

The dangers of "Too Much Birthday" are well-documented. The fabled Bernstein Bears grew irritable with an excess of treats and gifts. The Queen's Jubilee in England was exhausting and overdone.

Baby recently suffered this affliction. Not his own birthday, but that partner Herman.

He was heard lamenting his plight as he collapsed into a three-piece Macy's sofa. "Between the trips to French restaurants, French lotion shops, the Scissor Sisters and visiting the perenially hapless Charlie Brown at the Charles Schultz Museum, these dogs are barkin'."

Still, less than seven days later, Baby was spotted at the Mollie Stone's Castro store, choosing Petit Fours at the bakery counter. (Careful readers will note a markedly French theme of indulgence in this post.)

"Don't judge," he said, ducking into a nearby BMW. "These dainty cakes are my way of celebrating Christ's ascension this Easter weekend. Religion is very personal."

Baby Stages Fake Job to Reap Gifts

In the ultimate ruse, Baby pretended to get a new job* in order to receive modest gifts and encouraging calls from friends. Thus far the scammer has enjoyed four congratulatory calls, a balloon/flower combination (right), and a delicious Edible Arrangement (left). He stored both gifts in private locations where others could not impede his gift enjoyment process.

Beware of the Baby scam; he has several "milestones" approaching - his cameo in "Burlesque" with Cher and Christina Aguilera; a birthday that suddenly occurs in October; Pique's Bar Mitzfah; and the publishing of a so-called patent to create mailboxes from homeless people.

*New job was later verified as an actual position with Louis Vuitton, but the general warning above still stands.

Tragically Deluded

After shaving his head this week, Baby found a blonde wig that makes him feel handsome (pictured, left, with Pique and Hermes scarf).

The reason for the head-shaving is still unclear. Baby has alluded to the symbolism of new beginnings, and having fresh hair for his June wedding. Still, the wig provides comfort and warmth as he packs for a trip to NYC this week.

"I daresay this shall be my airplane wig," Baby said to Pique.

Joseph Approves of Park Cermony

Joseph gave his blessing to the Buena Vista Park dedication ceremony, held during a rainy morning in San Francisco.

(pictured right: Joseph with City Supervisor Bevan Dufty)

"As a pillar of the community, I prounounce this dedication to be a new day for the Buena Vista neighborhood," he said. "New trails and erosion controls make the park a joy for walking and contemplation. Though I never donated time or money , I am fully prepared to enjoy the benefits."

(Pictured above left: Joseph with City Treasurer José Cisneros, an appointee of neighborhood resident and Mayor Gavin Newsom)

Joseph was mildly pleased with the resin trails and newly improved eastern staircase, which provides an inviting entrance to a previously unsavory section frequented by single gentlemen.

(pictured above right: Joseph looks over the crowd with approval.)

"Since I enjoy sitting and sitting-related activities, I might organize neighbors to donate a bench with a pretty placard," added Joseph.

He looks forward to the next work phase near the Duboce staircase, and would like to see lampposts for night walking. Most neighbors agree this would spoil the organic nature of the City's oldest park, but as a Manhattan transplant our hero is not afraid of light pollution.

(pictured above left: Joseph's future colleagues from the San Francisco Board of Supervisors and Parks & Rec committee)

Baby Surveys Boston

Baby fines a charming town in Boston, including a lush vegetable stand near Quincy Market. Much of Bostons's charms, including the sea side dinner in hot butter sauce, only served as a precursor to Joseph's majestic visit to Newport. The opulent beauty of those homes were perfect for a roaming young dandy like Baby. "Newport, that's what New England really means," he mused over a jamba juice. Passachussetts, that's just the stuff you drive through."

Instantly he changed his resume to say he graduated Summa Laude from Salve Regina.

Morning Delight

Baby continues to keep Herman guessing in the morning. After emerging from the white, fluffy bedding piled high with 6 billowing pillows, the baby placed his two slender legs on the groud, revealing to the on-looking Herm a fully-robbed Baby -- enshrouded in an ankle-lenght Indian kaftan. 

Any other day the Herm would have seen Baby emerge from bed buck naked, with nothing hiding the goods that God gave him. "I don't know what make me decide that today would be a full kaftan day. "It just felt right," he said, with a sense of purpose.

Baby's Triumphant Return to SF

Baby returned to San Francisco bearing gifts. Included in the package: a Louis Vuitton leash and Juicy pineapple charm for Pique, a Dyson vacuum, Juicy Couture fragrance, and a Philips Sonicare toothbrush for Herman. Gracious.

Joseph Xeriscape

Baby accepted his heroic duty to xeriscape his parents' yard in SLC, Utah. After 40 years in the same East Bench home, it was time for a yard that was easier to maintain, and perhaps more harmonic with the environment. Witness Baby at the beginning of his journey, as he began cutting down non-native, dying trees. After ripping up the lawn and several dead plants later, witness Baby in the dirt with neice Alison. Stay tuned for the new, xeriscaped yard.

Billy the Puppet (Saw) as Game Show Host

Baby thought it would be funny to do the voice of the jigsaw killer in the "Saw" movies. Instead of providing options about how Herman could save his life, like in the film, Baby offered thrilling game show opportunities.

"Herman. This is your game. Choose a number between 1 and 150, and a door will open with free detergent and a key. Turn the key in the lock correctly, and an audience member will also win detergent. Choose wisely."

Herman was bemused.

Pique's Trail of Tears

In two short weeks, Pique became friends with a Snoopy and penguin doll, both of which he later eviscerated.

When reached for comment, Pique was too tired to speak.

His victims are captured here in memorial.

First Fight with Neighbors

Baby started his first fight today with neighbors at the condo in Ashbury Heights. After he picked several handfuls of lemons, a neighbor complained to Baby that he was robbing the community of a pleasant view of fruitful yellow trees.

Replied Baby, "They're not your trees. It's public property."

The neighbor then called the security guard for the homeowner's association, who asked Baby to desist with the lemon-picking.

The lesson: when life hands you lemons, Baby makes...a few bowls of lemons.

Baby Embroiders

Baby embroidered a dog onto a pink-and-white striped Williams & Sonoma towel. Pique got jealous.

Strange Bedfellows

After a raucous Friday night, Baby woke up with a stranger in his bed. The furry companion was even using Herman's "Peanuts" pillow. Baby was startled by the surprise, making the guest feel embarassed for intruding. But after a brief chat, in which the two recounted their hijinks and escapades from the night before, they reconnected and decided to make strawberry shakes in the Cuisinart.

Angel Baby Fights "Capital One" fraudsters

Most people ignore phishing calls from pretend-banks claiming to need your information, but today Baby fought a caller head-to-head.

Capital One called asking for Baby's social security number. Knowing he didn't have a Capital One card, Baby yelled at the caller and asked where she got his phone number. Avoiding the questions, she said he was at risk, and Baby asked,

"How can you know I'm at risk, but not know my social security number? Tell me what you know, and I'll consider."

The caller demurred.

After hanging up, Baby dialed the number that "Capital One" provided, 800-239-7054, which proved to be a fraud service aiming to spear-phish victims for their contact information.

The operator asked for Baby's name, account number and social security number.

"Why can't you access my account with other information, like the last four digits of my social security?" Baby asked the caller. "Why would I bank with a company that needs all of that data simply to pull up my account?"

The calm tele-fraudster again asked for his social security number, so Baby asked for her phone number. The fraudster ignored the request, and advised that Baby would be in danger if he didn't share more information.

"Where do you get off calling people with these fake scams?" he asked. "Aren't you ashamed of yourself and the job that you have?

Calming down, Baby said he'd provide her any information she wanted in return for the names of her family members. The creepy bitch hung up.

Beware of the Capital One scam, this is the second time they've contacted the Baby housefhold. Call the real number of the bank to report the phishing attempt.

And as Baby demonstrates, you can have fun with the seedy scam artists in the process.

Sunday in the Park with Pique

Baby hammed it up with Pique in Corona Heights Park, beginning with a joyous portrait of boy-with-dog, then quickly dissolving into frivolity. Discerning readers will notice Pique's freshly-shampooed coat which resulted from a Saturday night puppy spa in Baby's tub. Following the park, the duo would eat mozzarella sticks at a bar in the Castro, cheering for the abritrarily chosen Pittsburgh Steelers.

Baby Takes Puppy Rock Climbing

After celebrating his puppy's first birthday January 24, Baby decided that Pique (the beloved Yorkshire Terrier) was ready for a two-pitch rock climb, on belay.

Standing on the top of a rocky precipice in Corona Heights Park, Baby coaxed Pique: "Climb! This is the real world, puppy, if you want to be successful you will climb to the top of this rock, without my help."

Pique made it to the top, tongue wagging, collapsing on the peak.

"Get up, Pique," ordered Baby. "Famous dogs don't get tired."

Pique whimpered, and complied.

A Home in San Francisco

Baby settles a new home in Ashbury Heights, San Francisco. Stay tuned to see what Baby does with all the newfound space gained from his Manhattan apartment.

Moonstruck Eggs

After a restful 12 hour sleep, Baby woke up at 2pm on Saturday to make his famous "Moonstruck Eggs" (popularized by the great Cher movie from 1987).

Shunning the pancakes that were already prepared and kept warm in Tupperware, Baby dove into his yokey delight with gusto.

After he ate, his dishes were miraculously cleared and cleaned for him, and he settled into the New York Times Real Estate section.

Baby gets wet in San Francisco

Baby enjoyed the mists of San Francisco at the Golden Gate Park. "My skin agrees with this climate," he said. "I look forward to seeing my youthful dew in my new home."

Baby also posed in the tea room of the Queen Anne Hotel, which is purported to be a haunted locale of the city. "I think a ghost is a very nice thing to have in your new home. As long as he doesn't re-arrange my carefully folded laundry, I'm pleased with the mystic arrangement."

Baby looks forward to the fashionable scrarves and sweaters he can sport in his new home, but regrets that the hills in the Buena Vista Heights will prove difficult for his Yves Saint Laurent "Johnny Boots."