Gossip Baby

This morning, Joseph was watching a re-run of Gossip Girl and learned that a character once performed sex work in Prague.

"Frosty the prosty!" exclaimed Joseph to Herman, who has never seen the TV series but was nonetheless amused by the expression.

When asked to explain the nickname, he said,"She provided love in a cold climate."

Joseph: The Prudent Five-Year-Old

Baby, with ghosts.

While unpacking Halloween decorations, Herman was surprised to learn that his favorite ornaments -- two ceramic ghosts -- were originally purchased by a five-year-old Joseph.

At an age when many children were thinking about candy and playtime, young Joseph was earning an inflation-adjusted $5/month  in allowance. This news was surprising enough, as Herman is not aware of many toddlers with bank accounts.

Even more surprising, young Joseph saved two months' allowance to buy these two Halloween decorations for his bedroom. Doing the math, this means he identified the purchase in August in order to have the darlings by October. One imagines the midget Joseph flipping through a catalog at the kitchen table while his pre-school peers played outside, earning no money whatsoever.

The ghosts are cute, for sure, but more appropriate for a suburban housewife to perch on the window ledge above the kitchen sink. In classic Joseph style, the small phantoms were nurtured, cleaned, carefully stored and proudly displayed for 33 years -- long after the clumsy housewife would have broken them in the sink.

This Halloween, our Joseph deserves praise for his youthful prudence.

Pane in the Czech

During their vacation of 2011, Baby and Herman were delighted by the male statues of Prague - called telamons - which uphold many of the doorways, ledges and windows in the city's Old Town.

Today the Prague telamons are upholding another heavy object - Baby's good taste - on the east wall of his San Francisco apartment.

"I arranged black-and-white photographs of the statues like a window pane," he said, "evoking a sense of pathos and balance."

Always one for surprises, he broke form on the upper right-hand corner of the wall display with an image of demons in hell.

"After all," he asked, "What is an Eastern European city without images of suffering?"

Baby speaks most fondly, however, of the violent scene taking place in the upper left-hand corner, which he thoughtfully calls "the beat-down."

Five Chrysanthemums

Baby pays attention to wedding cleanup. When the music is over, the tablecloths whisked to boxes, and the candles extinguished, he moves in for the kill.

"What are you going to do with all these beautiful flowers?" he asks, innocently. "My stars, those will be heavy to move."


Usually by this time the newlyweds or cleanup crew have suggested that Baby take some flowers home.

"Oh, I don't deserve such a display of generosity," he exclaims, plunking the pots into a suddenly available tray. "But I'll be happy to give these away as gifts to friends and neighbors."

Featured in this post are three of the five Chrysanthemums obtained from a wedding today, and re-potted by Baby for his home.

This particular score was especially impressive, since he wasn't even a guest of the wedding.

Staging Crimes

Baby has been staging crime scenes in the car to deter a new band of local thieves.

"If I ransack the Honda myself, these hooligans will move on to other cars," he explained.

The strategy has worked. A string of car thefts on the block have repeatedly omitted the Honda.

Unfortunately, the car looks like a crime scene at all times. An open glove compartment, flipped ash tray, and strewn papers are now part of the driving experience.

*Note: the three boxes of Arm and Hammer are not part of the ruse. Baby has long used baking soda to absorb smells baked into the '95 Honda.

He Burns

A 50-pound box of candlemaking supplies arrived for Baby today. Luckily, Herman was home to receive (and lift) the shipment.

How will Baby balance his new candlemaking hobby with a rigorous law school program?

A lemon-verbena candle, made by Baby.

"There's a joke in here somewhere about burning the wick at both ends, but frankly I'm too busy reading this book to break it down for you," he said in a prepared statement.

Freedom Lemons

Baby resumed his life of lemon thievery today, pulling four choice fruits from a community tree.

"I deny nothing," he said. "Lemons are a basic right."

It has been two years since Baby's last run-in with the Home Owners Association. The new infraction will likely pass unnoticed since most residents were attending July 4 BBQs at the time.

"My fight against autocratic rule is not unlike the Declaration of Independence made by our forefathers 286 years ago," he said. "My landlord pays dues to the HOA, and I can't abide by taxation without lemontation."

En Grande Tenue

A French dictionary was needed to translate "En Grande Tenue."

The phrase, meaning "fine evening clothes," is silk-screened on Baby's latest show-stopper: an Hermes scarf, framed and mounted over the bed.

"Arresting, yet soothing," he said. "The vast expanse of this bedroom demands a large, bold piece. With this object, I wanted to combine the effects of a fine painting and sumptuous tapestry." 

Blues and purples mix with the grey theme of the room, punctuated by bursts of color that please the eye without distracting. 

Baby mounts the frame, en pajama

"Herman used to doubt that fashion could be high art," said Baby. "This piece is a reminder, every night when we go to bed, that he is usually wrong." 

He Plants

Baby spent Memorial Day carefully choosing new plants for the home. "Never underestimate the power of a few well-selected plants," he said, examining a succulent at the Hortica nursery on Castro. "Avoid too many plants, however. Show some restraint."

After some deliberation, agave was named the winner. Joseph took three plants of various sizes.

One agave was planted in a glossy green pot, which now decorates the cable box next to the TV. Small pebbles were arranged on the surface.

Another stands outside the front door in a terra cotta pot.

The last, a small baby agave, was arranged inside a circular terrarium with sand and charcoal.

Since San Francisco doesn't receive much sun, and his apartment is like a dark cave, Baby will rotate the cactus-like plants in the sun patches which appear at 8am and 4pm through the front and back windows. "It takes some commitment, but the agave will reward you with its delightfully proud spikes."  

From Dull to Delicious

"With a steady hand and small dabs of rubber cement, you can transform that drab office into a stimulating idea lab."

Thus advised Baby after hanging his "wallpaper" - a daring pattern of red birds on pink cherry blossoms, set against a pale blue background. Such a bold look is not accomplished without contingency plans.

"Instead of real wallpaper, I use high quality gift wrap," revealed Baby. "Easy to affix, fast to remove."

Nearby, a new terrarium features his favorite plant mix - succulents - in a bed of layered white sand and charcoal. From time to time, Herman will place small statues of religious icons in the bowl -- meant to inspire greater religious devotion in the household. The saints are inevitably removed with the speed and discretion of a true Italian professional.

Perched atop the breakfast bar, an Irish crystal decanter allows the morning light to shine and refract through its rounded column. Slices of lemon, watermelon and peach infuse the waters each day.

"After adding the refreshing fruit, I like to remove the lid for five minutes," said Baby. "It allows the fruit gas to escape without fogging the beautiful glass."

Grey Matter

Baby thought carefully about Herman's birthday. "He needs a new bedroom look," he pronounced.

"Soothing grays. Cool blues. Rococo, with a French Country twist. And Hollywood overdose, the room must scream 'quaaludes'."

To build his sanctuary, Baby crafted a dark gray floor liner to break up the five-foot tall bed. He then stuffed the comforter inside a slip of mixed gray hues -- or grey, which he insists is more continental. Inside the duvet he stretched dark sheets of 100 linen, providing a pleasant texture to tired Herman legs.

"The idea is to calm a Herman after a long

day's work, so I can read about Downton Abbey in goddamn peace," he mused.

After mounting a bronze mirror on the far wall, he gazed across the room

at a black owl candle holder, placed on the desk to inspire wise journaling.

"Herman only turns 34 once," he said. "This bedroom is a muted, hushed sacred space which doubles as a meditation chamber and sometimes-panic room. Enjoy."

Baby Frets

In a litany of complaints issued from bed this evening, Baby complained that 1) no one had tucked him into bed, 2) his sleeping lantern hadn't been lit and 3) S&P had downgraded the US AAA credit rating. Herman admired the wide scope of his complaint.

Baby and the Gold Pillows

Joseph beautifies the home. Grabbing his box of fashion tools and large swaths of silk, Baby created two gold chinois pillows that perfectly accentuate his new Macy's couch with flanking chaise lounges. The process took him less than an hour. The room's new statelihood will now stand up to centuries.

Too Much Birthday

The dangers of "Too Much Birthday" are well-documented. The fabled Bernstein Bears grew irritable with an excess of treats and gifts. The Queen's Jubilee in England was exhausting and overdone.

Baby recently suffered this affliction. Not his own birthday, but that partner Herman.

He was heard lamenting his plight as he collapsed into a three-piece Macy's sofa. "Between the trips to French restaurants, French lotion shops, the Scissor Sisters and visiting the perenially hapless Charlie Brown at the Charles Schultz Museum, these dogs are barkin'."

Still, less than seven days later, Baby was spotted at the Mollie Stone's Castro store, choosing Petit Fours at the bakery counter. (Careful readers will note a markedly French theme of indulgence in this post.)

"Don't judge," he said, ducking into a nearby BMW. "These dainty cakes are my way of celebrating Christ's ascension this Easter weekend. Religion is very personal."

Baby Stages Fake Job to Reap Gifts

In the ultimate ruse, Baby pretended to get a new job* in order to receive modest gifts and encouraging calls from friends. Thus far the scammer has enjoyed four congratulatory calls, a balloon/flower combination (right), and a delicious Edible Arrangement (left). He stored both gifts in private locations where others could not impede his gift enjoyment process.

Beware of the Baby scam; he has several "milestones" approaching - his cameo in "Burlesque" with Cher and Christina Aguilera; a birthday that suddenly occurs in October; Pique's Bar Mitzfah; and the publishing of a so-called patent to create mailboxes from homeless people.

*New job was later verified as an actual position with Louis Vuitton, but the general warning above still stands.

Tragically Deluded

After shaving his head this week, Baby found a blonde wig that makes him feel handsome (pictured, left, with Pique and Hermes scarf).

The reason for the head-shaving is still unclear. Baby has alluded to the symbolism of new beginnings, and having fresh hair for his June wedding. Still, the wig provides comfort and warmth as he packs for a trip to NYC this week.

"I daresay this shall be my airplane wig," Baby said to Pique.

Joseph Approves of Park Cermony

Joseph gave his blessing to the Buena Vista Park dedication ceremony, held during a rainy morning in San Francisco.

(pictured right: Joseph with City Supervisor Bevan Dufty)

"As a pillar of the community, I prounounce this dedication to be a new day for the Buena Vista neighborhood," he said. "New trails and erosion controls make the park a joy for walking and contemplation. Though I never donated time or money , I am fully prepared to enjoy the benefits."

(Pictured above left: Joseph with City Treasurer José Cisneros, an appointee of neighborhood resident and Mayor Gavin Newsom)

Joseph was mildly pleased with the resin trails and newly improved eastern staircase, which provides an inviting entrance to a previously unsavory section frequented by single gentlemen.

(pictured above right: Joseph looks over the crowd with approval.)

"Since I enjoy sitting and sitting-related activities, I might organize neighbors to donate a bench with a pretty placard," added Joseph.

He looks forward to the next work phase near the Duboce staircase, and would like to see lampposts for night walking. Most neighbors agree this would spoil the organic nature of the City's oldest park, but as a Manhattan transplant our hero is not afraid of light pollution.

(pictured above left: Joseph's future colleagues from the San Francisco Board of Supervisors and Parks & Rec committee)

Baby Surveys Boston

Baby fines a charming town in Boston, including a lush vegetable stand near Quincy Market. Much of Bostons's charms, including the sea side dinner in hot butter sauce, only served as a precursor to Joseph's majestic visit to Newport. The opulent beauty of those homes were perfect for a roaming young dandy like Baby. "Newport, that's what New England really means," he mused over a jamba juice. Passachussetts, that's just the stuff you drive through."

Instantly he changed his resume to say he graduated Summa Laude from Salve Regina.

Morning Delight

Baby continues to keep Herman guessing in the morning. After emerging from the white, fluffy bedding piled high with 6 billowing pillows, the baby placed his two slender legs on the groud, revealing to the on-looking Herm a fully-robbed Baby -- enshrouded in an ankle-lenght Indian kaftan. 

Any other day the Herm would have seen Baby emerge from bed buck naked, with nothing hiding the goods that God gave him. "I don't know what make me decide that today would be a full kaftan day. "It just felt right," he said, with a sense of purpose.

Baby's Triumphant Return to SF

Baby returned to San Francisco bearing gifts. Included in the package: a Louis Vuitton leash and Juicy pineapple charm for Pique, a Dyson vacuum, Juicy Couture fragrance, and a Philips Sonicare toothbrush for Herman. Gracious.