Herman

My life with Baby

Saturday, October 04, 2014

Gossip Baby

This morning, Joseph was watching a re-run of Gossip Girl and learned that a character once performed sex work in Prague.

"Frosty the prosty!" exclaimed Joseph to Herman, who has never seen the TV series but was nonetheless amused by the expression.

When asked to explain the nickname, he said,"She provided love in a cold climate."

Saturday, September 27, 2014

Joseph: The Prudent Five-Year-Old

Baby, with ghosts.
While unpacking Halloween decorations, Herman was surprised to learn that his favorite ornaments -- two ceramic ghosts -- were originally purchased by a five-year-old Joseph.

At an age when many children were thinking about candy and playtime, young Joseph was earning an inflation-adjusted $5/month  in allowance. This news was surprising enough, as Herman is not aware of many toddlers with bank accounts.

Even more surprising, young Joseph saved two months' allowance to buy these two Halloween decorations for his bedroom. Doing the math, this means he identified the purchase in August in order to have the darlings by October. One imagines the midget Joseph flipping through a catalog at the kitchen table while his pre-school peers played outside, earning no money whatsoever.

The ghosts are cute, for sure, but more appropriate for a suburban housewife to perch on the window ledge above the kitchen sink. In classic Joseph style, the small phantoms were nurtured, cleaned, carefully stored and proudly displayed for 33 years -- long after the clumsy housewife would have broken them in the sink.

This Halloween, our Joseph deserves praise for his youthful prudence.

Sunday, January 05, 2014

Pane in the Czech

During their vacation of 2011, Baby and Herman were delighted by the male statues of Prague - called telamons - which uphold many of the doorways, ledges and windows in the city's Old Town.

Today the Prague telamons are upholding another heavy object - Baby's good taste - on the east wall of his San Francisco apartment.

"I arranged black-and-white photographs of the statues like a window pane," he said, "evoking a sense of pathos and balance."

Always one for surprises, he broke form on the upper right-hand corner of the wall display with an image of demons in hell.

"After all," he asked, "What is an Eastern European city without images of suffering?"

Baby speaks most fondly, however, of the violent scene taking place in the upper left-hand corner, which he thoughtfully calls "the beat-down."

Sunday, November 03, 2013

Five Chrysanthemums



Baby pays attention to wedding cleanup. When the music is over, the tablecloths whisked to boxes, and the candles extinguished, he moves in for the kill.

"What are you going to do with all these beautiful flowers?" he asks, innocently. "My stars, those will be heavy to move."


Usually by this time the newlyweds or cleanup crew have suggested that Baby take some flowers home.

"Oh, I don't deserve such a display of generosity," he exclaims, plunking the pots into a suddenly available tray. "But I'll be happy to give these away as gifts to friends and neighbors."

Featured in this post are three of the five Chrysanthemums obtained from a wedding today, and re-potted by Baby for his home.

This particular score was especially impressive, since he wasn't even a guest of the wedding.





Sunday, November 25, 2012

Staging Crimes

Baby has been staging crime scenes in the car to deter a new band of local thieves.

"If I ransack the Honda myself, these hooligans will move on to other cars," he explained.

The strategy has worked. A string of car thefts on the block have repeatedly omitted the Honda.

Unfortunately, the car looks like a crime scene at all times. An open glove compartment, flipped ash tray, and strewn papers are now part of the driving experience.

*Note: the three boxes of Arm and Hammer are not part of the ruse. Baby has long used baking soda to absorb smells baked into the '95 Honda.

Friday, August 31, 2012

He Burns

A 50-pound box of candlemaking supplies arrived for Baby today. Luckily, Herman was home to receive (and lift) the shipment.

How will Baby balance his new candlemaking hobby with a rigorous law school program?

A lemon-verbena candle, made by Baby.
"There's a joke in here somewhere about burning the wick at both ends, but frankly I'm too busy reading this book to break it down for you," he said in a prepared statement.

Wednesday, July 04, 2012

Freedom Lemons



Baby resumed his life of lemon thievery today, pulling four choice fruits from a community tree.

"I deny nothing," he said. "Lemons are a basic right."

It has been two years since Baby's last run-in with the Home Owners Association. The new infraction will likely pass unnoticed since most residents were attending July 4 BBQs at the time.

"My fight against autocratic rule is not unlike the Declaration of Independence made by our forefathers 286 years ago," he said. "My landlord pays dues to the HOA, and I can't abide by taxation without lemontation."