'Tis the Baby

As the cold winds blow down 6th Avenue, Baby stopped for a minute to think about the wonders of Christmas.

"If Jeebus were alive today, he'd surely wear a fashionable newsboy cap in this cold weather," he mused.

"I plan to celebrate the birth of Christ with a frosted cocktail and the latest CD from Italian boy band Divo. Decking Halls and highballs, that's my stylo, baby," he added.

As shoppers rush retail outlets for iPod nanos and $399 laptops, Baby welcomes any suggestions of gifts he should receive this Christmas. No ideas under $100, he requests, and no suggestions from The Gap or donations to humanitarian causes are required.

Bumble and Bumble

Baby's pal Clare took him for an $80 hair wash at the esteemed Bumble & Bumble salon this weekend. Sporting a slicked-back, blonde Italian 'do when he came home, he managed to keep the hair style set for two whole days thereafter. He's now looking into an elevated head rest to support his neck while he sleeps, which keeps his hair from touching the mattress and tussling his finely placed hairs.

Business Baby

Joseph's new online business, Baby Enterprises, Inc., was launched quietly last month as the weather turned to a cooler, more suitable temperature for indoor computer work. The online start-up has quickly emerged as a multi-dollar success, yielding high profit margins with little to no overhead. Recent sales have included several Lladros, a penguin-shaped martini shaker, and a hannukah decorative plate.

"I'm making tens of dollars!" Baby exclaimed, while sipping a saspirilla on a Chelsea avenue.

Not all sales, however, have been so easy. "I should have never accepted a final bid of $2.99 for that German beer stein," he lamented. "That's the last time I go on Ebay after taking Ambien."

Back in the Game

After a long night of rest, Baby stretched his arms and wiggled his toes to greet a new day. As he dressed for work, he opted for a more collegiate look to express his bookish side. His serious attitude befitted the vest, with the exception of his comment that NPR's Nina Totenberg's actual name is Nina "Tokenberg." The mere thought of an NPR reporter smoking a fat "J" before reading the news sent him into brief bursts of hysterics and a short, improvised victory dance.

Baby Nap

Baby took a nap today after a trying morning at work. "I only hope I can be fabulous and bubbly for my public later this evening," he said. After an afternoon of gentle rest, Baby emerged with energy and good cheer.

Cruelty to Cats?

Baby was on a cruel streak this morning, when he told his friend Clare to beat her cat, pull her tail and scream in her ears to teach her a lesson. Confiding in a friend later, he added, "Then I am going to turn her in for harming an animal, and I will get Lucy." Lucy is the name Baby has given to Clare's cat, whose real name is Markie (after Markie Post, of "Night Court" fame).

Baby in Furs

It's official. Winter is near, and Joseph has broken out the furs. Also in circulation are his cashmere sweaters and thick, hip-fitting pants. Expect winter hair and a new worldview philosphy, coming soon...

Pumps for Halloween

Baby is practicing his strut in a pair of new, pink, impossibly high heels that he bought for Halloween today (nevermind the fetish shops he had to visit to find such shoes in a men's size).

He decided to be Kate Moss in honor of her cocaine scandal, and will even sport baby powder on his nostrils for full effect. More than anything, he assures us, he wants the costume to be a tasteful tribute to the fallen model.

Getting used to the shoes, he adds, has not been easy. "These are some mama jamas," he said.

Modeling Job

Baby has plans to work his way into an advertising shoot that he learned will take place in the Meatpacking District later this month. As he doubles up on Pilates and fish oil pills, he is wondering if he should dye his hair brown or light blonde. As always, he welcomes suggestions.

Baby Joins Biblical Group

Earlier this morning Baby decided to accept Jesus and join an Australia-based online Biblical society. They send him regular Bible updates and, one imagines, suggestions for holy living.

"They send me little holy tid-bits in an ultra tacky format," he enthused. While many agree there is no better candidate in need of such influence, some question why he joined an off-shore group.

"He's outsourcing his religion," a friend said.
For more, visit www.biblesociety.com.au.

Baby Advocates a Cowboy Lifestyle

Baby got a new belt today straight from the tanneries of Jackson Hole, Wyoming. While the designer was unable to craft a buckle with Joseph's face emblazoned upon the plate, he was able to find an arrowhead bald eagle to his liking.

"I'm going to be a cowboy," Baby advised. He looks forward to riding horses and herding cows, much like fellow belt lover Jake Gyllenhaal. He is also fast at work on a business plan for cowboy beauty products.

Second Homes

Joseph sounded off on Manhattan parents today, complaining about super-size strollers and their implicit right-of-way on the sidewalk. Why should the urban childless step aside for those who decide to procreate?

"I don't like children," he said. "I like puppies and second homes."

Baby Ponders Halloween

As October 31 approaches, Baby is contemplating a costume for the first time in his career as a New Yorker.

While last year's dress-up involved a paltry application of glitter to the eyelids, he is considering the oft-forgotten banana for 2005. One of his favorite peel-able fruits, the banana boasts a form factor that compliments his lithe build.

Should he be the banana? Or should he consider his options--a tree, a celery stalk; perhaps a simmering kilbasa?

Note: Costume does not come with smoothie coupon girl from the Flatiron district.

Don't Mess with Baby

Contrary to popular belief, Joseph has quite an agressive streak. Walking home from the grocery store one recent evening, our hero with blonde streaks was accosted by a hungry homeless man. The guy violently pulled Joseph's arm and reached for his groceries, while Joseph protested that the man didn't want what Joseph had for him.

Fatefully, the assailant would not release Joseph's arm. Furious, our hero swung his Italian designer bag into the man's face three times in short, chopping motions (he learned the move on "King of the Hill"). The man curled on the ground in a fetal position, at which point Joseph delivered a swift kick to the gut before moving on with his evening. Lesson learned?

Baby and the City

Baby met Sarah Jessica Parker of "Sex and the City" today. He bought her new perfume and asked her to sign the bottle with a Sharpie pen. She complied. He told her that he'd taken a long lunch break from his job to meet her. She told him to get some food.

Wigstock Baby

Joseph's new drag queen friend pulled him off the street for this photo. She had been yelling at a homeless man, and Joseph joined in just to raise a ruckus. Just before his friend Clare snapped the photo, he yelled, "Don't get too close to that drunk homeless guy!" That poor man.

On a sidenote, meeting the drag queen gave Joseph further proof that he needs to become one. But then again, everyday there is "the new me." Just last week, the new him was a midnight dumpster diver at the supermarket (to save money on produce).

Baby on Bush: Go back to Crawford

Baby delivered a harsh condemnation of President Bush this morning. "The hurricane flooding must be hard on the President," he noted. "He had no idea that New Orleans was part of the U.S." According to Baby, Bush was quoted as remarking that "All this sh*t had to happen and destroy my vacation."

Does the fact that Bush has taken more vacation days than any other President make him any more deserving of such cruel mockery?

Detox Baby

After a bender of a weekend that stretched to Monday, Baby has decided to check himself into rehab. Not just any rehab--this place requires only check-ins in the morning and night and optional weekend attendance, in case you need a break from sobriety. In addition to sharing and caring, the center offers detox teas and enemas. Coming soon: a clean teen with more energy to yell at cashiers, pet little puppies and make fun of my mishaped head. He also plans to pursue his modeling career with newfound vigor (see one of the first shots of his portfolio, left).

Baby responds to jump in crude oil prices

After oil trading topped $70 a barrel this morning, Baby decided that we're going to beat the energy market before it beats us. No more air conditioning, no more TV, all appliances and electronics will be unplugged when not in use--even the fridge two days a week, and I can't wait to see how that bodes for my milk supply. (I'd like to note here that Baby doesn't consume dairy). Check this space to learn if we beat out ConEdison next month!

Revelation from Drag Queens

Baby has been hearing voices from dead drag queens. "Be blonder. Be bolder. Be more fabulous than we could have ever been," they urge him. Lucky for us, he's decided to respond to his calling.

In other news, Baby has been busy furnishing our Chelsea studio with equine decor. I came home from Utah the other day to a new horse lamp on my side of the bed. He also bought "Hedwig and the Angry Inch," which has inspired him to "bring back the glory days of rock stars." Watch this space for more...

Big In Japan

Joseph posed for photos with a group of Japanese tourists at a Chelsea Starbucks the other day. Based on his height, good looks and Gucci bag, they assumed he was famous. He certainly didn't correct them. In fact, he insisted on getting each photo in the most perfect light, and then stayed to chat with them for a time well beyond expected by all parties involved.

Joseph called me a "sucka," today, saying I can't handle the hardcore street life we brings to my world.

Faux Memories

Joseph has long treasured his childhood memory of watching a NASA shuttle take off in Florida in the 1980's. But according to his Dad today, that memory is a falsehood--Joseph only saw the blast-off on television while sitting at home. Despite his father's protestations, Joseph refuses to believe that he manufactured the memory. On top of it, he insists that he also saw a murderous baby shark at the beach later that same day. "Even baby sharks can be killers," he advised solemnly.

Framed

After planting a pair of his own "unmentionables" under my pillow, Baby turned down the sheets before bed and made a grand show of his "discovery." Unfolding the garment before my eyes, he made no small number of accusations. How could I? What was I thinking? My integrity was roundly denounced and my motives questioned.

Pen-Pals with Prisoners

Baby sent a personal note to Judy Miller of The New York Times last week, who is now imprisoned at a Federal Detention Center in Alexandria, VA. He wanted to express his outrage at her incarceration for refusing to reveal her source in the Valerie Plume case. She wrote a personal note in response, thanking him for his support. It must have been the only note she received on Hello Kitty stationery!

Supreme Court Baby?

Joseph is wondering if Bush will nominate him to the Supreme Court tonight. He hopes he will "win." I suppose it's between him and the two Ediths. If Joseph wins, I'm sure his first point of order will be to bring back the judicial wig.

Dumb Trip to Jersey

Baby was patient as I dragged him on a fruitless trip to Edison, NJ today. Instead of taking the train to the Madison Hotel in Morristown, where my cousin's engagement party was taking place, I led us on a dumb trip to the town of Edison--with gifts in tow. Realizing my mistake, we returned to Chelsea and forgot about the whole thing. As you can see in this train pic, Baby made the most of it by reading a novel.

Baby Home Alone

Baby is home alone this week while I learn about computer memory chips in Silicon Valley. Will he get into trouble? What will I come home to?

Sonic Toothbrushes

Why does Joseph hate sonic toothbrushes? I love mine. Each night I spend a good five minutes gently brushing away food debris, while he casts disapproving looks and cleans his teeth manually. Baffling.

My anniversary with Baby

It's Tuesday. Three happy years spanning Salt Lake to NY. What should I get him? He's been hinting about a diamond palm tree from Tiffany's, but I know it would get wrapped in a box and packed under the bed, reserved for special viewings.

Baby at the Beach

Joseph and Clare on the boardwalk in Belmar, Jersey Shore. Clare came home with piles of sand in her suit, in addition to seawood and a piece of a salami that blew from a neighborhooring picnic. Joseph managed to emerge a clean teen.

Park Avenue Baby

Baby taking a moment on Park and 83rd after petting puppies and buying chocolate-covered gummy bears.

After strolling through the shaded streets Baby remarked that the "Upper East Side" designation should only refer to those rich neighborhoods spanning Park and 5th Avenues along Central Park. Everything East of Lexington, Joseph suggested, should no longer be called the UES. How dare this region try to rob the UES of its cache?

Eating Figs

From Baby this morning: "I ate a really rotten fig. It was good but nasty." Why is he eating figs? "I just came across one and ate it. Things happen."

Baby Rock Climbing

Baby's not just a fashionista, he's an avid outdoorsman. Tres Versatile.

Summer Drinks

Baby's summer drink is the frozen cosmo. Delightfully whipped, creamy, icy vodka with cranberry juice. He buys them at The Viceroy on 8th Avenue and 18th Street. Hopefully we can get the recipe so I can pack a CosmoCooler in his lunch bag each morning.

Bad Hair

Joseph's hair was fashioned into a perfect fop this morning, but he claims it was ruined before he made it down the stairs to the sidewalk. Humidity! It is hot in the city, people. Now he's thinking of skipping Italian class to prevent others from seeing the dampened fop. How can he preserve his coif in this weather? Any tips?

Pride Day, NYC

(r-l) Joseph, Charlotte, Clare and Sean

Jury Duty

Joseph showed up for Jury Duty today. "This never would have happened if you didn't make me register to vote," he chided me. Last night, in preparation, he was practicing the word "guilty, guilty, guilty," until he got the cadence right. Since beginning his service, he's already joked to a woman that he was convicted as a felon on drug charges. Do you think he'll be kicked out of the courthouse?

Joseph's portrait, which hangs over the bed in our Chelsea studio 

Italian Classes

Joseph started his Italian Classes tonight. He's already declared one of the three classmates his "bitter rival." After the class re-organized their meeting schedule acording to Joseph's time constraints, his rival voiced minor frustration. Of course this led to all-out war, culminating in his yelling at her (after class) about the proper ways to fill in the "memo" field when writing a check.
After class he bought his new text books with our neighbor Clare, who also joined him for drinks at one of our favorite Union Square hangouts, L'Express (awesome French Onion soup).

How should Joseph handle his new rival?

Mentos

Despite his slim figure, Joseph loves his candy. Today he had a mishap. "There are new pink grapefruit mentos," he said. "I ate a pack and feel totaly ill. Plus I washed it down with a Three Musketeers and Cherry soda. Total yack town." Avoid this candy combination, people.

The Name of This Blog

Tonight, while tossing an apple and cucumber salad in blue cheese dressing, Baby commended me on my choice of Blog Title. Simple. Easy. Herman. "It's the new us. We just are."

Baby's Books

As he finishes reading "We the Living" by Ayn Rand, Joseph is looking for new book suggestions. I offered a short story collection by F. Scott Fitzgerald, but I think he's looking for something British. He loved "Jane Eyre," "Villette," and "Wuthering Heights," but he didn't like "Pride & Prejudice" as much. I'll have to think of possisiblities.

A brief note: Joseph is going to use his library card for the first time this week. While he still maintains that libraries are unsanitary, he's willing to give the public system a try.

Introducing Joseph Stuart

Allow me to introduce Joseph Stuart, whom I will also refer to as "Baby." Joseph is my boyfriend. We live together in a cozy studio in Manhattan's Chelsea neighborhood. Joseph is currently penning a novel about his tragic days and small triumphs over adversity. He is 24 years old and quite a talented designer. By day he's an advertising assistant, but at night he dons his kaftan and wafts around our apartment, making it more fashionable and clean. More on Baby to come...

Joseph at Navy Pier, Chicago 

Joseph at the Kremlin wall, Moscow