Herman

My life with Baby

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Cadbury Baby

Baby bought his first Cadbury Eggs of the season last weekend, signaling his transition into Easter preparation mode. Licking his sticky fingers after four successive chocolate eggs, Baby smiled encouragingly at his guests.

"Have one," he said, his voice thick and milky. "It's got nougat."

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Valentine's Baby


Baby wishes all his dear readers a Happy Valentine's Day.

"Seize the day, my fellow lovers of the world! Celebrate amour in all its fashions....well, most of its fashions anyway. Feast kisses upon your desired beau, but don't forget to share a quite moment pondering the historic significance of 1929's Valentine's Day Massacre."

For any parties interested in sending Baby a Valentine, please mail a Take 5 candy bar to Baby Enterprises, B Times Square, NY, NY 100BB.

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Sour Grapes?

Baby received five pounds of grapes today from Manhattan grocery delivery service Fresh Direct. He thought he was only ordering one pound, but consumed the bunch with zeal and a sense of urgency. When asked by a food logistics analyst, "Are you crazy?", Baby replied, "Crazy for grapes? Why yes, I am."

It was only after eating the five pounds that Baby realized his mistake, and began to worry he'd get "the skitters," as they call the body condition in John Steinback's "Grapes of Wrath" (which Baby is currently reading with his friend, Charlotte). The realization quickly flared his temper.

"It was irresponsible for Fresh Direct to assume that I'd know the difference between one and five pounds of grapes," he said in a prepared, perfumed statement.

Baby warned that, although he didn't want to resort to legal action, he would take Fresh Direct to small claims court "if he had to." He was quick to add that court appearances would make an ideal launching pad for his pop star career in Japan.*

*Baby's agent requests that readers refrain from deconstructing the logic of this last statement.