Baby Finds a Stand-in Boyfriend

Frustrated with lack of attention from his current boyfriend, Baby built a look-alike companion replete with blonde hair and preference for pizza (much like his real-life boyfriend).

Grabbing a wig from the closet, he stretched the haipiece over a memory-foam knee pillow which supposedly resembled his boyfriend's face. After cuddling with the new boyfriend in the morning, he served lunch and promised to bring him to The Strand bookstore to sell a collection of old books.

Baby Loves New England

Baby took his first trip to New England this week, visiting the charming harbor town of Portsmouth, New Hampshire. He liked the market square, the draw bridge and the town's natural goods shop, where he sampled too much Vitamin C and informed the owner (with pal Andrea) that the natural licorice tasted awful. He also liked driving a rental car - a Chevy Aveo that he nicknamed the Chevy Areola - but didn't like the traffic on the Massachusetts Turnpike.

"They should call it 'Passachusetts'," he said. "All you should do it pass through it."

Baby Dreams of Simpsons

Baby had a remarkable dream this morning about visiting the upstairs floor of the home featured in "The Simpsons."

He explained his cartoon journey in a excited, rushed tones upon first awakening.

"I got to explore the seldom-seen upstairs rooms of the Simpson house. It was a special tour just for me - cartoon people are really considerate. You don't usually get to see those rooms on the show."

Baby vowed to re-visit the Simpson home tonight.

South Jersey Baby

Summer has arrived -- and Baby sends wishes for a happy season supported by responsible skin care. "It's time to relax with your friends and family," advised Baby. "But don't forget to protect your supple, glowing skin. Carry 45-spf lotion at all times. And as a responsible sandle-wearer, you should certainly be getting bi-weekly pedicures. Put your best foot forward."

Tartan Baby

Proving that men look great in kilts, Baby took a stroll in his newest accessory, purchased expressly for the Tartan Day celebration of Scottish culture. Baby was pleased to observe numerous whisky specials and boisterous crowds of would-be Scots throughout the afternoon.

"It was fun to get a break from pants," he said. "But I'll think twice before wearing a kilt without underwear on the West Side Highway overpass."

Illegal Eye Cream

Baby spent a few minutes this morning searching for European eye creams online.

"They have better stuff that is illegal in the U.S.," he explained. "I hate the FDA, always getting in Baby's way."

Fizzy-O's

Baby's snack tip of the week:
If you put an Oreo in your mouth and take a sip of Diet Coke, the white filling fizzes on your tongue. "I call it a Fizzy-O's," Baby said. "I have been making Fizzy-O's all day - I'm on my third can."

Hell's Kitty

Baby took a stroll through his beloved neighborhood today after reading a New York Times article about the surge of gay residents in Hell's Kitchen.

A Brand is Born

Baby took the first step toward branding his men's line today, ordering a batch of purple labels that read "Joseph Stuart." Expect to see the purple tags on your favorite clothes and accessories soon.

Men Should Wear Floral

Baby was fast at work on a new line of men's accessories - including vests, ascots and bow-ties. He was using 100 percent pure silk with a floral embrodery. "Men need to learn how to rock floral embroidery," he said.

Shelves Above the Fridge?

Only in a home built for the tallest of Babies would a shelf above the fridge be feasible.

Today our hero purchased wood from Dyke's Lumber, which he painted and mounted with Victorian wall props.

"I was thinking of buying wall board from Home Depot, but they didn't offer the simplest of cutting services," said Baby. "Since they offered to cut the board for me, I got wood at Dyke's."

Baby Takes Flight

In a moment of airborne whimsy, Baby felt the wind beneath his wings with a pair of plastic flaps.

"I'm a plane!" he exclaimed, as he dipped and weaved in front of a wind machine at a children's science museum.

After 20 minutes, he put the flaps aside and re-fueled with a bag of chocolate gummies.

The Boy King

Baby tapped into his inner Tut at the Franklin Institute in Philadelphia. "I am the Baby King," he pronounced. "When I die, I will take all of my jewelry and candy with me." The surrounding children were duly impressed, and proferred ointments and ornaments of gold.

B-Money

After a long day at work, Baby shut the bedroom door and rolled gleefully on a mattress of twenty-dollar bills. Having guessed the correct Super Bowl score in the office jackpot, he won $200 from his envious colleagues. In a private moment, he counted up the number of Take 5 candy bars that he could now afford to purchase.

Baby Eats

In a recent IM discussion with Baby, our hero discussed his massive appetite at work today.

"After breakfast, I had a pb&j sandwhich and an apple grain bar for a snack," he said. "For lunch I had a big plate of jumbo peppered shrimp, mushroom chicken in a truffle sauce, and a field green salad."

Looking ahead to the end of his work day, he mused, "Hopefully there will be some cookies later for desert. If not I will have to go out and top off my meal with a Snickers, Three Musketeers and Take 5. My colleagues are horrified."

Baby Sings a Song of Hinduism

Using his plush Mary doll as a prop for interpretive dance, Baby sang a song of conversion to his roommate Clare this morning. Convinced that her Catholic roots were failing her, Baby appropriated the spiritual symbolism of Mary to extol the virtues of Hinduism to his roommate. Not completely sold on the idea, Clare watched as he put the benefits of Hinduism into a Broadway song format, waving Mary's arms, toes and backside to the music.

Investor Baby

Baby lamented the slumping trading markets today. "The stocks are just going down, down, down," he said, reviewing his portfolio. "I'm losing dollars and dollars on this," he added. "I may lose the $15 nest egg I built from my eBay earnings."

After glancing at a WSJ headline explaining part of the downfall ( Stocks Drop on Philly Fed Report), he grew concerned for his growing company. "NOOOOO! Philly Fed may devastate Giggle Butts Holding Co."

Baby in Paintings

Baby's likeness was captured in oils by NY artist Sean Noyce. His winning smile, flawless skin and Tiffany bracelet are now part of Noyce's new Web gallery.

Free Pies

Baby received a free coupon for Drake's Apple Pies after writing a letter to the company expressing his preference for their product. Regular readers will remember the "little pies" song he composed while sipping cofee and nibbling the little snacks. His note to the company included the poem and a special request that Drake's supply more of its apple-flavored line at his favored supermarket in Manhattan.

A Time for Gummies

After coming in to some new cash flow this week, Baby made immediate plans to fill up on his favorite delicacy: chocolate-covered gummy bears.

"I will fill up a huge bag and the man will be like 'hey you ain't got no money'," Baby said. "Then I will fan a $10 bill in his face and be like 'What do you call this?'"