Freedom Lemons

Baby resumed his life of lemon thievery today, pulling four choice fruits from a community tree.

"I deny nothing," he said. "Lemons are a basic right."

It has been two years since Baby's last run-in with the Home Owners Association. The new infraction will likely pass unnoticed since most residents were attending July 4 BBQs at the time.

"My fight against autocratic rule is not unlike the Declaration of Independence made by our forefathers 286 years ago," he said. "My landlord pays dues to the HOA, and I can't abide by taxation without lemontation."

En Grande Tenue

A French dictionary was needed to translate "En Grande Tenue."

The phrase, meaning "fine evening clothes," is silk-screened on Baby's latest show-stopper: an Hermes scarf, framed and mounted over the bed.

"Arresting, yet soothing," he said. "The vast expanse of this bedroom demands a large, bold piece. With this object, I wanted to combine the effects of a fine painting and sumptuous tapestry." 

Blues and purples mix with the grey theme of the room, punctuated by bursts of color that please the eye without distracting. 

Baby mounts the frame, en pajama

"Herman used to doubt that fashion could be high art," said Baby. "This piece is a reminder, every night when we go to bed, that he is usually wrong." 

He Plants

Baby spent Memorial Day carefully choosing new plants for the home. "Never underestimate the power of a few well-selected plants," he said, examining a succulent at the Hortica nursery on Castro. "Avoid too many plants, however. Show some restraint."

After some deliberation, agave was named the winner. Joseph took three plants of various sizes.

One agave was planted in a glossy green pot, which now decorates the cable box next to the TV. Small pebbles were arranged on the surface.

Another stands outside the front door in a terra cotta pot.

The last, a small baby agave, was arranged inside a circular terrarium with sand and charcoal.

Since San Francisco doesn't receive much sun, and his apartment is like a dark cave, Baby will rotate the cactus-like plants in the sun patches which appear at 8am and 4pm through the front and back windows. "It takes some commitment, but the agave will reward you with its delightfully proud spikes."  

From Dull to Delicious

"With a steady hand and small dabs of rubber cement, you can transform that drab office into a stimulating idea lab."

Thus advised Baby after hanging his "wallpaper" - a daring pattern of red birds on pink cherry blossoms, set against a pale blue background. Such a bold look is not accomplished without contingency plans.

"Instead of real wallpaper, I use high quality gift wrap," revealed Baby. "Easy to affix, fast to remove."

Nearby, a new terrarium features his favorite plant mix - succulents - in a bed of layered white sand and charcoal. From time to time, Herman will place small statues of religious icons in the bowl -- meant to inspire greater religious devotion in the household. The saints are inevitably removed with the speed and discretion of a true Italian professional.

Perched atop the breakfast bar, an Irish crystal decanter allows the morning light to shine and refract through its rounded column. Slices of lemon, watermelon and peach infuse the waters each day.

"After adding the refreshing fruit, I like to remove the lid for five minutes," said Baby. "It allows the fruit gas to escape without fogging the beautiful glass."

Grey Matter

Baby thought carefully about Herman's birthday. "He needs a new bedroom look," he pronounced.

"Soothing grays. Cool blues. Rococo, with a French Country twist. And Hollywood overdose, the room must scream 'quaaludes'."

To build his sanctuary, Baby crafted a dark gray floor liner to break up the five-foot tall bed. He then stuffed the comforter inside a slip of mixed gray hues -- or grey, which he insists is more continental. Inside the duvet he stretched dark sheets of 100 linen, providing a pleasant texture to tired Herman legs.

"The idea is to calm a Herman after a long

day's work, so I can read about Downton Abbey in goddamn peace," he mused.

After mounting a bronze mirror on the far wall, he gazed across the room

at a black owl candle holder, placed on the desk to inspire wise journaling.

"Herman only turns 34 once," he said. "This bedroom is a muted, hushed sacred space which doubles as a meditation chamber and sometimes-panic room. Enjoy."

Baby Frets

In a litany of complaints issued from bed this evening, Baby complained that 1) no one had tucked him into bed, 2) his sleeping lantern hadn't been lit and 3) S&P had downgraded the US AAA credit rating. Herman admired the wide scope of his complaint.

Baby and the Gold Pillows

Joseph beautifies the home. Grabbing his box of fashion tools and large swaths of silk, Baby created two gold chinois pillows that perfectly accentuate his new Macy's couch with flanking chaise lounges. The process took him less than an hour. The room's new statelihood will now stand up to centuries.

Too Much Birthday

The dangers of "Too Much Birthday" are well-documented. The fabled Bernstein Bears grew irritable with an excess of treats and gifts. The Queen's Jubilee in England was exhausting and overdone.

Baby recently suffered this affliction. Not his own birthday, but that partner Herman.

He was heard lamenting his plight as he collapsed into a three-piece Macy's sofa. "Between the trips to French restaurants, French lotion shops, the Scissor Sisters and visiting the perenially hapless Charlie Brown at the Charles Schultz Museum, these dogs are barkin'."

Still, less than seven days later, Baby was spotted at the Mollie Stone's Castro store, choosing Petit Fours at the bakery counter. (Careful readers will note a markedly French theme of indulgence in this post.)

"Don't judge," he said, ducking into a nearby BMW. "These dainty cakes are my way of celebrating Christ's ascension this Easter weekend. Religion is very personal."

Baby Stages Fake Job to Reap Gifts

In the ultimate ruse, Baby pretended to get a new job* in order to receive modest gifts and encouraging calls from friends. Thus far the scammer has enjoyed four congratulatory calls, a balloon/flower combination (right), and a delicious Edible Arrangement (left). He stored both gifts in private locations where others could not impede his gift enjoyment process.

Beware of the Baby scam; he has several "milestones" approaching - his cameo in "Burlesque" with Cher and Christina Aguilera; a birthday that suddenly occurs in October; Pique's Bar Mitzfah; and the publishing of a so-called patent to create mailboxes from homeless people.

*New job was later verified as an actual position with Louis Vuitton, but the general warning above still stands.

Tragically Deluded

After shaving his head this week, Baby found a blonde wig that makes him feel handsome (pictured, left, with Pique and Hermes scarf).

The reason for the head-shaving is still unclear. Baby has alluded to the symbolism of new beginnings, and having fresh hair for his June wedding. Still, the wig provides comfort and warmth as he packs for a trip to NYC this week.

"I daresay this shall be my airplane wig," Baby said to Pique.

Joseph Approves of Park Cermony

Joseph gave his blessing to the Buena Vista Park dedication ceremony, held during a rainy morning in San Francisco.

(pictured right: Joseph with City Supervisor Bevan Dufty)

"As a pillar of the community, I prounounce this dedication to be a new day for the Buena Vista neighborhood," he said. "New trails and erosion controls make the park a joy for walking and contemplation. Though I never donated time or money , I am fully prepared to enjoy the benefits."

(Pictured above left: Joseph with City Treasurer José Cisneros, an appointee of neighborhood resident and Mayor Gavin Newsom)

Joseph was mildly pleased with the resin trails and newly improved eastern staircase, which provides an inviting entrance to a previously unsavory section frequented by single gentlemen.

(pictured above right: Joseph looks over the crowd with approval.)

"Since I enjoy sitting and sitting-related activities, I might organize neighbors to donate a bench with a pretty placard," added Joseph.

He looks forward to the next work phase near the Duboce staircase, and would like to see lampposts for night walking. Most neighbors agree this would spoil the organic nature of the City's oldest park, but as a Manhattan transplant our hero is not afraid of light pollution.

(pictured above left: Joseph's future colleagues from the San Francisco Board of Supervisors and Parks & Rec committee)

Baby Surveys Boston

Baby fines a charming town in Boston, including a lush vegetable stand near Quincy Market. Much of Bostons's charms, including the sea side dinner in hot butter sauce, only served as a precursor to Joseph's majestic visit to Newport. The opulent beauty of those homes were perfect for a roaming young dandy like Baby. "Newport, that's what New England really means," he mused over a jamba juice. Passachussetts, that's just the stuff you drive through."

Instantly he changed his resume to say he graduated Summa Laude from Salve Regina.

Morning Delight

Baby continues to keep Herman guessing in the morning. After emerging from the white, fluffy bedding piled high with 6 billowing pillows, the baby placed his two slender legs on the groud, revealing to the on-looking Herm a fully-robbed Baby -- enshrouded in an ankle-lenght Indian kaftan. 

Any other day the Herm would have seen Baby emerge from bed buck naked, with nothing hiding the goods that God gave him. "I don't know what make me decide that today would be a full kaftan day. "It just felt right," he said, with a sense of purpose.

Baby's Triumphant Return to SF

Baby returned to San Francisco bearing gifts. Included in the package: a Louis Vuitton leash and Juicy pineapple charm for Pique, a Dyson vacuum, Juicy Couture fragrance, and a Philips Sonicare toothbrush for Herman. Gracious.

Joseph Xeriscape

Baby accepted his heroic duty to xeriscape his parents' yard in SLC, Utah. After 40 years in the same East Bench home, it was time for a yard that was easier to maintain, and perhaps more harmonic with the environment. Witness Baby at the beginning of his journey, as he began cutting down non-native, dying trees. After ripping up the lawn and several dead plants later, witness Baby in the dirt with neice Alison. Stay tuned for the new, xeriscaped yard.

Billy the Puppet (Saw) as Game Show Host

Baby thought it would be funny to do the voice of the jigsaw killer in the "Saw" movies. Instead of providing options about how Herman could save his life, like in the film, Baby offered thrilling game show opportunities.

"Herman. This is your game. Choose a number between 1 and 150, and a door will open with free detergent and a key. Turn the key in the lock correctly, and an audience member will also win detergent. Choose wisely."

Herman was bemused.

Pique's Trail of Tears

In two short weeks, Pique became friends with a Snoopy and penguin doll, both of which he later eviscerated.

When reached for comment, Pique was too tired to speak.

His victims are captured here in memorial.

First Fight with Neighbors

Baby started his first fight today with neighbors at the condo in Ashbury Heights. After he picked several handfuls of lemons, a neighbor complained to Baby that he was robbing the community of a pleasant view of fruitful yellow trees.

Replied Baby, "They're not your trees. It's public property."

The neighbor then called the security guard for the homeowner's association, who asked Baby to desist with the lemon-picking.

The lesson: when life hands you lemons, Baby makes...a few bowls of lemons.

Baby Embroiders

Baby embroidered a dog onto a pink-and-white striped Williams & Sonoma towel. Pique got jealous.

Strange Bedfellows

After a raucous Friday night, Baby woke up with a stranger in his bed. The furry companion was even using Herman's "Peanuts" pillow. Baby was startled by the surprise, making the guest feel embarassed for intruding. But after a brief chat, in which the two recounted their hijinks and escapades from the night before, they reconnected and decided to make strawberry shakes in the Cuisinart.