God Save the Queen

Baby put on his special suit yesterday for Queen Elizabeth's 80th birthday jubilee. He will be joining the gala at Windsor Castle to present her with some of his left-over Easter candy.

"I picked Cadbury's, which I think she will appreciate as a company that operates in the British empire," said Baby.

When asked what he will say to the revered figurehead when presenting his gift, he said, "Happy Birthday, Queen."

Baby advised that her likely response will be, "Cheers, possum."

Facing puzzled looks, Baby explained, "She's always called me 'possum'."

Jesus Killed the Dinosaurs?

Who knew a recent trip to the Natural History Museum in New York City could lead to a Bible lesson from Baby? Strolling through the dinosaur exhibits on the fourth floor, he spiced up an other wise lackluster fossil tour with a smattering of prehistorical facts.

"Jeebus came to earth to destroy the dinosaurs," advised Baby, pointing to a reconstructed tricerotops. "He saved us from our sins and the threat of human extinction at the hands of carnivorous beasts. Jeebus came to stand for mercy, forgiveness and upright vertebrae."

Baby Talks to Women's Wear Daily

Baby fired off an email to his favorite trade publication today, Women's Wear Daily, after reading an article about a bogus beauty products company. How can they print articles about such drivel?
In what will likely be a one-sided conversation, Baby continued.
"In addition to the fact that you are writing articles about bogus beauty products, I want to start an empire like Liz Claiborne," he said. "But can people do it now? In these modern times, no one can create a business and make it big because all the big ones are there to gobble you up. And if you don't sell, they run you out of business!"
Moving squarely beyond his original reason for contacting the publication, Baby continued to discuss his plans for empire.
"I need to start an empire or else I will never be happy," he lamented.

Side Money

Baby called a good friend today to ask advice on getting a second job. He wanted to work in a Soho bar as a host, where he would greet guests four nights a week. He calculated the earnigns and realized that he could make almost $900/week just saying "hi" to people.

He went on to say that he'd save the money to buy two-year government bonds every time he reached $1,000, then get a home in five years so he could "put around in the yard and plant things."

When the friend said the job might take too much of his personal time, Baby replied "That's okay. I've already moved on to other ideas now. You know me."

If you have any ideas for Baby's money-making capers, please post your suggestions.

Project Runway

Baby tried out for the Bravo series "Project Runway" this weekend. In just one day, he created a classic pink dress with a 1950's cut, designed to fit his gal pal Clare. He also re-vamped his fashion portfolio to reflect his changing tastes since first compiling it in design school.

The judges loved his style, particularly his crisp army coat with fox stole. Unfortunately, his "look" didn't fit the parameters of next season's show. Still, Baby says the energy of designing and meeting deadlines reminded him of his student days in Los Angeles. "It's so easy to forget what's important to us," Baby said after the audition. "Even when you've got a day job, you shouldn't let your true talent and creative drive go wasted."

Baby Endorses New Products

Baby's buzz marketing scheme continues...
This week Baby received a box of sample-size Nutella pouches that he is supposed to hand out to friends and family with one dollar coupons to buy the product. In exchange, the recipient listens to him talk about how Nutella was invented after WWII by an Italian chef. Running low on chocolate, the chef added hazelnuts to his cocoa, stirred it up and voila! Nutella.
"Beyond the fascinating history," Baby advised, "is the low calorie content of this delicious product. Spreading Nutella on a bagel instead of cream cheese will be sure to save fat intake and leave you smiling."
In return for his buzz marketing efforts, Baby received a jar of the spread for personal use. His fingers are still crossed to receive marketing products for Botox, so he can throw a lavish party with alcohol and injectable beauty treatments.

Excuse Me, There's a Queue

Baby lost his cool last weekend during a routine trip to the neighborhood alcohol store. Holding his 40 ounce bottle of Ketel One vodka in his leather-gloved fingers, he prepared to place the purchase and form of payment on the check-out counter when another shopper cut in line, asking the clerk for a box of Blush wine.

Offended by the rude gesture--and the cheap wine--Baby told the fellow to move back in line. When the man apologized, Baby lectured the bewildered brute about the proper actions for a penitent cutter. When the man still didn't take his place in line, Baby held his tongue and focused on his vodka bottle.

Calming his inner tiger, our hero was poised and collected throughout the remaining purchase experience until he left the shop and arrived at the street corner, where he spotted the offender waiting for the crossing light to change.

"Oh! You just had to rush out of the store, didn't you?" he demanded. "You couldn't wait in line like the rest of us! Well look how far it got you now, jerk!"

And with that, all of the self control Baby had mustered was released into the cold, bitter New York night.

Cadbury Baby

Baby bought his first Cadbury Eggs of the season last weekend, signaling his transition into Easter preparation mode. Licking his sticky fingers after four successive chocolate eggs, Baby smiled encouragingly at his guests.

"Have one," he said, his voice thick and milky. "It's got nougat."

Valentine's Baby

Baby wishes all his dear readers a Happy Valentine's Day.

"Seize the day, my fellow lovers of the world! Celebrate amour in all its fashions....well, most of its fashions anyway. Feast kisses upon your desired beau, but don't forget to share a quite moment pondering the historic significance of 1929's Valentine's Day Massacre."

For any parties interested in sending Baby a Valentine, please mail a Take 5 candy bar to Baby Enterprises, B Times Square, NY, NY 100BB.

Sour Grapes?

Baby received five pounds of grapes today from Manhattan grocery delivery service Fresh Direct. He thought he was only ordering one pound, but consumed the bunch with zeal and a sense of urgency. When asked by a food logistics analyst, "Are you crazy?", Baby replied, "Crazy for grapes? Why yes, I am."

It was only after eating the five pounds that Baby realized his mistake, and began to worry he'd get "the skitters," as they call the body condition in John Steinback's "Grapes of Wrath" (which Baby is currently reading with his friend, Charlotte). The realization quickly flared his temper.

"It was irresponsible for Fresh Direct to assume that I'd know the difference between one and five pounds of grapes," he said in a prepared, perfumed statement.

Baby warned that, although he didn't want to resort to legal action, he would take Fresh Direct to small claims court "if he had to." He was quick to add that court appearances would make an ideal launching pad for his pop star career in Japan.*

*Baby's agent requests that readers refrain from deconstructing the logic of this last statement.

Giggle Butts

Baby's new business, which now only exists as a Microsoft PowerPoint presentation, is called Giggle Butts. Named to invoke feelings of boundless laughter and (somehow) haute couture, GB will be a retail outlet with "stuff that's not junk." As Cher will be the spokesperson, Baby only refers to the company's segment of the market as "market Cher."

Pictured at left: Baby and a potential investor from San Francisco.

Baby Ranks Stuff

In his first "best" and "worst of" list, Baby offers a snapshot of his ephemeral preferences. He invites your suggestions in the comment box below.
Hot:

• Benny's Burritos (Greenwich Village, NYC)
• Frosted Mini-Wheats cereal
• The Chi (hair straightener)
• free samples at Sephora
• Cher

Not:

• Verizon (home phone and broadband Internet service)
• Meat Packing District (NYC)
• Canada (They think they're so great because they can own guns and still not shoot others)
• Dick Cheney

Baby Joins Buzz Marketing Group

In another money-making caper, Baby has joined a buzz marketing group that pays him money to talk to friends about products. "The power of word-of-mouth is a formidable force that can be harnassed to build and destroy brands in just seconds," he said. "I've already made $20 in Visa giftcards and received a plethora of pre-paid phone cards. Any time I want to make a call on the street, I can stop at a payphone and pull out these handy cards, which are much easier than a cell phone."

When pressed on the nature of the buzz marketing work, Baby was quick to defend its integrity. "This is not a pyramid scheme," he avowed with the proper degree of concern and solemnity.

In a rare gesture of unprovoked benevolence, Baby decided to wish his readers a Happy New Year and prosperity for 2006. "It's the least I could do for you, my gentle readers," he effused. "Since I can't be with you all now, I send you the ligth and warming glow of my prescence." Baby also noted that '06 would go down as the year that he launched his career as an international pop star of stage and screen. Watch this space for details.

'Tis the Baby

As the cold winds blow down 6th Avenue, Baby stopped for a minute to think about the wonders of Christmas.

"If Jeebus were alive today, he'd surely wear a fashionable newsboy cap in this cold weather," he mused.

"I plan to celebrate the birth of Christ with a frosted cocktail and the latest CD from Italian boy band Divo. Decking Halls and highballs, that's my stylo, baby," he added.

As shoppers rush retail outlets for iPod nanos and $399 laptops, Baby welcomes any suggestions of gifts he should receive this Christmas. No ideas under $100, he requests, and no suggestions from The Gap or donations to humanitarian causes are required.

Bumble and Bumble

Baby's pal Clare took him for an $80 hair wash at the esteemed Bumble & Bumble salon this weekend. Sporting a slicked-back, blonde Italian 'do when he came home, he managed to keep the hair style set for two whole days thereafter. He's now looking into an elevated head rest to support his neck while he sleeps, which keeps his hair from touching the mattress and tussling his finely placed hairs.

Business Baby

Joseph's new online business, Baby Enterprises, Inc., was launched quietly last month as the weather turned to a cooler, more suitable temperature for indoor computer work. The online start-up has quickly emerged as a multi-dollar success, yielding high profit margins with little to no overhead. Recent sales have included several Lladros, a penguin-shaped martini shaker, and a hannukah decorative plate.

"I'm making tens of dollars!" Baby exclaimed, while sipping a saspirilla on a Chelsea avenue.

Not all sales, however, have been so easy. "I should have never accepted a final bid of $2.99 for that German beer stein," he lamented. "That's the last time I go on Ebay after taking Ambien."

Back in the Game

After a long night of rest, Baby stretched his arms and wiggled his toes to greet a new day. As he dressed for work, he opted for a more collegiate look to express his bookish side. His serious attitude befitted the vest, with the exception of his comment that NPR's Nina Totenberg's actual name is Nina "Tokenberg." The mere thought of an NPR reporter smoking a fat "J" before reading the news sent him into brief bursts of hysterics and a short, improvised victory dance.

Baby Nap

Baby took a nap today after a trying morning at work. "I only hope I can be fabulous and bubbly for my public later this evening," he said. After an afternoon of gentle rest, Baby emerged with energy and good cheer.

Cruelty to Cats?

Baby was on a cruel streak this morning, when he told his friend Clare to beat her cat, pull her tail and scream in her ears to teach her a lesson. Confiding in a friend later, he added, "Then I am going to turn her in for harming an animal, and I will get Lucy." Lucy is the name Baby has given to Clare's cat, whose real name is Markie (after Markie Post, of "Night Court" fame).