South Jersey Baby

Summer has arrived -- and Baby sends wishes for a happy season supported by responsible skin care. "It's time to relax with your friends and family," advised Baby. "But don't forget to protect your supple, glowing skin. Carry 45-spf lotion at all times. And as a responsible sandle-wearer, you should certainly be getting bi-weekly pedicures. Put your best foot forward."

Tartan Baby

Proving that men look great in kilts, Baby took a stroll in his newest accessory, purchased expressly for the Tartan Day celebration of Scottish culture. Baby was pleased to observe numerous whisky specials and boisterous crowds of would-be Scots throughout the afternoon.

"It was fun to get a break from pants," he said. "But I'll think twice before wearing a kilt without underwear on the West Side Highway overpass."

Illegal Eye Cream

Baby spent a few minutes this morning searching for European eye creams online.

"They have better stuff that is illegal in the U.S.," he explained. "I hate the FDA, always getting in Baby's way."

Fizzy-O's

Baby's snack tip of the week:
If you put an Oreo in your mouth and take a sip of Diet Coke, the white filling fizzes on your tongue. "I call it a Fizzy-O's," Baby said. "I have been making Fizzy-O's all day - I'm on my third can."

Hell's Kitty

Baby took a stroll through his beloved neighborhood today after reading a New York Times article about the surge of gay residents in Hell's Kitchen.

A Brand is Born

Baby took the first step toward branding his men's line today, ordering a batch of purple labels that read "Joseph Stuart." Expect to see the purple tags on your favorite clothes and accessories soon.

Men Should Wear Floral

Baby was fast at work on a new line of men's accessories - including vests, ascots and bow-ties. He was using 100 percent pure silk with a floral embrodery. "Men need to learn how to rock floral embroidery," he said.

Shelves Above the Fridge?

Only in a home built for the tallest of Babies would a shelf above the fridge be feasible.

Today our hero purchased wood from Dyke's Lumber, which he painted and mounted with Victorian wall props.

"I was thinking of buying wall board from Home Depot, but they didn't offer the simplest of cutting services," said Baby. "Since they offered to cut the board for me, I got wood at Dyke's."

Baby Takes Flight

In a moment of airborne whimsy, Baby felt the wind beneath his wings with a pair of plastic flaps.

"I'm a plane!" he exclaimed, as he dipped and weaved in front of a wind machine at a children's science museum.

After 20 minutes, he put the flaps aside and re-fueled with a bag of chocolate gummies.

The Boy King

Baby tapped into his inner Tut at the Franklin Institute in Philadelphia. "I am the Baby King," he pronounced. "When I die, I will take all of my jewelry and candy with me." The surrounding children were duly impressed, and proferred ointments and ornaments of gold.

B-Money

After a long day at work, Baby shut the bedroom door and rolled gleefully on a mattress of twenty-dollar bills. Having guessed the correct Super Bowl score in the office jackpot, he won $200 from his envious colleagues. In a private moment, he counted up the number of Take 5 candy bars that he could now afford to purchase.

Baby Eats

In a recent IM discussion with Baby, our hero discussed his massive appetite at work today.

"After breakfast, I had a pb&j sandwhich and an apple grain bar for a snack," he said. "For lunch I had a big plate of jumbo peppered shrimp, mushroom chicken in a truffle sauce, and a field green salad."

Looking ahead to the end of his work day, he mused, "Hopefully there will be some cookies later for desert. If not I will have to go out and top off my meal with a Snickers, Three Musketeers and Take 5. My colleagues are horrified."

Baby Sings a Song of Hinduism

Using his plush Mary doll as a prop for interpretive dance, Baby sang a song of conversion to his roommate Clare this morning. Convinced that her Catholic roots were failing her, Baby appropriated the spiritual symbolism of Mary to extol the virtues of Hinduism to his roommate. Not completely sold on the idea, Clare watched as he put the benefits of Hinduism into a Broadway song format, waving Mary's arms, toes and backside to the music.

Investor Baby

Baby lamented the slumping trading markets today. "The stocks are just going down, down, down," he said, reviewing his portfolio. "I'm losing dollars and dollars on this," he added. "I may lose the $15 nest egg I built from my eBay earnings."

After glancing at a WSJ headline explaining part of the downfall ( Stocks Drop on Philly Fed Report), he grew concerned for his growing company. "NOOOOO! Philly Fed may devastate Giggle Butts Holding Co."

Baby in Paintings

Baby's likeness was captured in oils by NY artist Sean Noyce. His winning smile, flawless skin and Tiffany bracelet are now part of Noyce's new Web gallery.

Free Pies

Baby received a free coupon for Drake's Apple Pies after writing a letter to the company expressing his preference for their product. Regular readers will remember the "little pies" song he composed while sipping cofee and nibbling the little snacks. His note to the company included the poem and a special request that Drake's supply more of its apple-flavored line at his favored supermarket in Manhattan.

A Time for Gummies

After coming in to some new cash flow this week, Baby made immediate plans to fill up on his favorite delicacy: chocolate-covered gummy bears.

"I will fill up a huge bag and the man will be like 'hey you ain't got no money'," Baby said. "Then I will fan a $10 bill in his face and be like 'What do you call this?'"

Election Baby

Despite feeling disenfranchised about being denied simple human rights in the United States - marriage, adoption, a reasonable retirement age, stardom - Baby cast his ballot today in the mid-term elections.

Our young hero was not alone in the voting booth, however.

Behind the felt curtain, Baby was quietly peeling the wrapper off a purloined Twinkie. His third Twinkie of the day, the spongey cake was devoured quietly in the sanctity of the ballot booth - only the sound of a moving lever could be heard.

Baby Finds Pink Candy

Baby proudly stands before a sculpture of gleaming pink rocks at the Bronx Botanical Gardens. Likening the irregular blocks to "pop rocks" candy, Baby found an artwork that served to sweeten his dreams of being a global pop star with his own line of merchandise.

Baby Lion

During a visit to a children's playground last month, Baby found himself drawn to a standing wood cut-out of a golden lion. With similar cut outs of a tin man and scarecrow in proximity, the children were to believe that their playground had been transformed to the magical land of Oz. That is, until Joseph hoisted himself behind the animal and peered at the children from the circular facial frame.
"I'm going to eat you little midgets," he said. "Give me your snack pies or face my wrath." The children dutifuly handed over their packaged pies and the Baby Lion Massacre was averted.

Baby Fires a Cannon

Baby got in the spirit at a Civil War re-enactment in Mullica Hill, NJ.

At Home with Baby

More photos of Baby's new home. Cat nip grows next to a miniature palm, which Baby hopes will grow into a full size palm tree one day. Hovering above the palm is Joseph's Roman Shade, which he constructed before work this morning at 6 a.m.

In the kitchen, a dishwasher gladly scrubs the many dishes Baby uses throughout the day--from his oatmeal bowl to his salmon plate to his vodka shotglass. The feet of his new roommate, Clare, peek from under the dishwasher door. When Baby's two housemates don't empty the dishwasher in the morning, he gives them a reproving scowl.

Baby Gets a Huge Couch

"Witness the Cadillac," says Baby, pointing to the new Jennifer Convertible couch. Perched in the middle of the room, the new piece of furniture dwarfes everything in sight. The adjacent entertainment center and bookshelves look like doll furniture in comparison.

Baby has used the comfortable cushion to continue his sewing projects. He's now lacing string through a roman shade, which will be hooked up to a pulley system and mounted under the window to block the view of the neighboring parking lot.

Also, in the spirit of Halloween, Baby has been spooking up the room with ghosts and pumpkins.

Baby Moves to Midtown

After a two-year stint in Chelsea, Baby packed his self-portraits and moved to Hell's Kitchen. Leaving a tight studio for an expansive two-bedroom, he has worked diligently to fill the home with elegant, tasteful decor. After joining an online curtain-making club, he designed and constructed chocolate-colored roman shades for the bedroom and living room. He also selected a beige Jennifer Convertible sofabed to fill his first-ever living room in NYC. "We overshot on the Jennifer," remarked Baby. "It's like a Cadillac in a small garage." (pics to come)

While the exposed brick in the master bedroom "seems a little to 1990," he has transformed the space with decadent silk lampshades, low lighting and canvas-colored wall paint (pictured above and right).

Pies in the Morning

To sweeten his morning in the office, Baby has taken to eating the apple cutie-pies that mothers often give to their children. Shaped like empanadas with a hard flakey shell and fruit filling, the pies inspired him to pen this ditty at work:

I eat little pies with my coffee
just the littlest pies with my coffee
flakey crust
glazzzed top
just the littlest pies with my coffee

Baby Declines to Help

On the first day of Baby's triumphant return to Italian Class, Baby laid early claim to his newest mortal enemy. The woman, a fellow student with hippie leanings (dubbed "Earth Mama"), did not have her own text book. As Baby's desk neighbor, she looked over his shoulder to follow the lecture.

During a break she asked if she might peruse its pages. As a gentleman, Baby obliged and presented her with the book. After a quick glance, she denounced the text as pedestrian and designed for the culturally ignorant. Incensed, Baby snatched back the book, placed it in his Gucci handbag with a frown.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean that you were ignorant," said Earth Mama, "just the people who read this book."

"I read this book," said Baby, coolly.

"But I'm sure that you're not ignorant," she stammered.

"Forget it," said Baby. And with finality, "It's done."

Sleep-in Baby

Baby had considerable trouble getting out of bed this morning. After hitting the snooze button four times, he raised his weary head and gazed at the clock: 8:20 a.m. With only 40 minutes to get dressed and out the door for work, he gently burrowed his mop of big curly hair under a pillow--destined for a late Friday morning.

Baby Rides a Donkey

Baby's sojourn in Greece will come to a close this Thursday, ending days of blue beaches, all-day hiking and lumbering rides on a donkey named "Kicky." Baby, whose legs stretch to the ground while aboard the donkey, gave him the name as a celebration of the number of kicks the donkey must receive to get moving at a decent pace. "The Germans on their four-wheelers, sporting black socks with sandals, are all moving faster than Kicky and me," he lamented. "We have to stop and eat grass every few feet."
Still, Baby will probably miss Kicky in the end. His fondness of animals knows no bounds, even when he has to kick their sides to move faster. "I just want them to excel in life. Is that so bad?"

God Save the Queen

Baby put on his special suit yesterday for Queen Elizabeth's 80th birthday jubilee. He will be joining the gala at Windsor Castle to present her with some of his left-over Easter candy.

"I picked Cadbury's, which I think she will appreciate as a company that operates in the British empire," said Baby.

When asked what he will say to the revered figurehead when presenting his gift, he said, "Happy Birthday, Queen."

Baby advised that her likely response will be, "Cheers, possum."

Facing puzzled looks, Baby explained, "She's always called me 'possum'."

Jesus Killed the Dinosaurs?

Who knew a recent trip to the Natural History Museum in New York City could lead to a Bible lesson from Baby? Strolling through the dinosaur exhibits on the fourth floor, he spiced up an other wise lackluster fossil tour with a smattering of prehistorical facts.

"Jeebus came to earth to destroy the dinosaurs," advised Baby, pointing to a reconstructed tricerotops. "He saved us from our sins and the threat of human extinction at the hands of carnivorous beasts. Jeebus came to stand for mercy, forgiveness and upright vertebrae."

Baby Talks to Women's Wear Daily

Baby fired off an email to his favorite trade publication today, Women's Wear Daily, after reading an article about a bogus beauty products company. How can they print articles about such drivel?
In what will likely be a one-sided conversation, Baby continued.
"In addition to the fact that you are writing articles about bogus beauty products, I want to start an empire like Liz Claiborne," he said. "But can people do it now? In these modern times, no one can create a business and make it big because all the big ones are there to gobble you up. And if you don't sell, they run you out of business!"
Moving squarely beyond his original reason for contacting the publication, Baby continued to discuss his plans for empire.
"I need to start an empire or else I will never be happy," he lamented.

Side Money

Baby called a good friend today to ask advice on getting a second job. He wanted to work in a Soho bar as a host, where he would greet guests four nights a week. He calculated the earnigns and realized that he could make almost $900/week just saying "hi" to people.

He went on to say that he'd save the money to buy two-year government bonds every time he reached $1,000, then get a home in five years so he could "put around in the yard and plant things."

When the friend said the job might take too much of his personal time, Baby replied "That's okay. I've already moved on to other ideas now. You know me."

If you have any ideas for Baby's money-making capers, please post your suggestions.

Project Runway

Baby tried out for the Bravo series "Project Runway" this weekend. In just one day, he created a classic pink dress with a 1950's cut, designed to fit his gal pal Clare. He also re-vamped his fashion portfolio to reflect his changing tastes since first compiling it in design school.

The judges loved his style, particularly his crisp army coat with fox stole. Unfortunately, his "look" didn't fit the parameters of next season's show. Still, Baby says the energy of designing and meeting deadlines reminded him of his student days in Los Angeles. "It's so easy to forget what's important to us," Baby said after the audition. "Even when you've got a day job, you shouldn't let your true talent and creative drive go wasted."

Baby Endorses New Products

Baby's buzz marketing scheme continues...
This week Baby received a box of sample-size Nutella pouches that he is supposed to hand out to friends and family with one dollar coupons to buy the product. In exchange, the recipient listens to him talk about how Nutella was invented after WWII by an Italian chef. Running low on chocolate, the chef added hazelnuts to his cocoa, stirred it up and voila! Nutella.
"Beyond the fascinating history," Baby advised, "is the low calorie content of this delicious product. Spreading Nutella on a bagel instead of cream cheese will be sure to save fat intake and leave you smiling."
In return for his buzz marketing efforts, Baby received a jar of the spread for personal use. His fingers are still crossed to receive marketing products for Botox, so he can throw a lavish party with alcohol and injectable beauty treatments.

Excuse Me, There's a Queue

Baby lost his cool last weekend during a routine trip to the neighborhood alcohol store. Holding his 40 ounce bottle of Ketel One vodka in his leather-gloved fingers, he prepared to place the purchase and form of payment on the check-out counter when another shopper cut in line, asking the clerk for a box of Blush wine.

Offended by the rude gesture--and the cheap wine--Baby told the fellow to move back in line. When the man apologized, Baby lectured the bewildered brute about the proper actions for a penitent cutter. When the man still didn't take his place in line, Baby held his tongue and focused on his vodka bottle.

Calming his inner tiger, our hero was poised and collected throughout the remaining purchase experience until he left the shop and arrived at the street corner, where he spotted the offender waiting for the crossing light to change.

"Oh! You just had to rush out of the store, didn't you?" he demanded. "You couldn't wait in line like the rest of us! Well look how far it got you now, jerk!"

And with that, all of the self control Baby had mustered was released into the cold, bitter New York night.

Cadbury Baby

Baby bought his first Cadbury Eggs of the season last weekend, signaling his transition into Easter preparation mode. Licking his sticky fingers after four successive chocolate eggs, Baby smiled encouragingly at his guests.

"Have one," he said, his voice thick and milky. "It's got nougat."

Valentine's Baby

Baby wishes all his dear readers a Happy Valentine's Day.

"Seize the day, my fellow lovers of the world! Celebrate amour in all its fashions....well, most of its fashions anyway. Feast kisses upon your desired beau, but don't forget to share a quite moment pondering the historic significance of 1929's Valentine's Day Massacre."

For any parties interested in sending Baby a Valentine, please mail a Take 5 candy bar to Baby Enterprises, B Times Square, NY, NY 100BB.

Sour Grapes?

Baby received five pounds of grapes today from Manhattan grocery delivery service Fresh Direct. He thought he was only ordering one pound, but consumed the bunch with zeal and a sense of urgency. When asked by a food logistics analyst, "Are you crazy?", Baby replied, "Crazy for grapes? Why yes, I am."

It was only after eating the five pounds that Baby realized his mistake, and began to worry he'd get "the skitters," as they call the body condition in John Steinback's "Grapes of Wrath" (which Baby is currently reading with his friend, Charlotte). The realization quickly flared his temper.

"It was irresponsible for Fresh Direct to assume that I'd know the difference between one and five pounds of grapes," he said in a prepared, perfumed statement.

Baby warned that, although he didn't want to resort to legal action, he would take Fresh Direct to small claims court "if he had to." He was quick to add that court appearances would make an ideal launching pad for his pop star career in Japan.*

*Baby's agent requests that readers refrain from deconstructing the logic of this last statement.

Giggle Butts

Baby's new business, which now only exists as a Microsoft PowerPoint presentation, is called Giggle Butts. Named to invoke feelings of boundless laughter and (somehow) haute couture, GB will be a retail outlet with "stuff that's not junk." As Cher will be the spokesperson, Baby only refers to the company's segment of the market as "market Cher."

Pictured at left: Baby and a potential investor from San Francisco.

Baby Ranks Stuff

In his first "best" and "worst of" list, Baby offers a snapshot of his ephemeral preferences. He invites your suggestions in the comment box below.
Hot:

• Benny's Burritos (Greenwich Village, NYC)
• Frosted Mini-Wheats cereal
• The Chi (hair straightener)
• free samples at Sephora
• Cher

Not:

• Verizon (home phone and broadband Internet service)
• Meat Packing District (NYC)
• Canada (They think they're so great because they can own guns and still not shoot others)
• Dick Cheney

Baby Joins Buzz Marketing Group

In another money-making caper, Baby has joined a buzz marketing group that pays him money to talk to friends about products. "The power of word-of-mouth is a formidable force that can be harnassed to build and destroy brands in just seconds," he said. "I've already made $20 in Visa giftcards and received a plethora of pre-paid phone cards. Any time I want to make a call on the street, I can stop at a payphone and pull out these handy cards, which are much easier than a cell phone."

When pressed on the nature of the buzz marketing work, Baby was quick to defend its integrity. "This is not a pyramid scheme," he avowed with the proper degree of concern and solemnity.

In a rare gesture of unprovoked benevolence, Baby decided to wish his readers a Happy New Year and prosperity for 2006. "It's the least I could do for you, my gentle readers," he effused. "Since I can't be with you all now, I send you the ligth and warming glow of my prescence." Baby also noted that '06 would go down as the year that he launched his career as an international pop star of stage and screen. Watch this space for details.

'Tis the Baby

As the cold winds blow down 6th Avenue, Baby stopped for a minute to think about the wonders of Christmas.

"If Jeebus were alive today, he'd surely wear a fashionable newsboy cap in this cold weather," he mused.

"I plan to celebrate the birth of Christ with a frosted cocktail and the latest CD from Italian boy band Divo. Decking Halls and highballs, that's my stylo, baby," he added.

As shoppers rush retail outlets for iPod nanos and $399 laptops, Baby welcomes any suggestions of gifts he should receive this Christmas. No ideas under $100, he requests, and no suggestions from The Gap or donations to humanitarian causes are required.

Bumble and Bumble

Baby's pal Clare took him for an $80 hair wash at the esteemed Bumble & Bumble salon this weekend. Sporting a slicked-back, blonde Italian 'do when he came home, he managed to keep the hair style set for two whole days thereafter. He's now looking into an elevated head rest to support his neck while he sleeps, which keeps his hair from touching the mattress and tussling his finely placed hairs.

Business Baby

Joseph's new online business, Baby Enterprises, Inc., was launched quietly last month as the weather turned to a cooler, more suitable temperature for indoor computer work. The online start-up has quickly emerged as a multi-dollar success, yielding high profit margins with little to no overhead. Recent sales have included several Lladros, a penguin-shaped martini shaker, and a hannukah decorative plate.

"I'm making tens of dollars!" Baby exclaimed, while sipping a saspirilla on a Chelsea avenue.

Not all sales, however, have been so easy. "I should have never accepted a final bid of $2.99 for that German beer stein," he lamented. "That's the last time I go on Ebay after taking Ambien."

Back in the Game

After a long night of rest, Baby stretched his arms and wiggled his toes to greet a new day. As he dressed for work, he opted for a more collegiate look to express his bookish side. His serious attitude befitted the vest, with the exception of his comment that NPR's Nina Totenberg's actual name is Nina "Tokenberg." The mere thought of an NPR reporter smoking a fat "J" before reading the news sent him into brief bursts of hysterics and a short, improvised victory dance.

Baby Nap

Baby took a nap today after a trying morning at work. "I only hope I can be fabulous and bubbly for my public later this evening," he said. After an afternoon of gentle rest, Baby emerged with energy and good cheer.

Cruelty to Cats?

Baby was on a cruel streak this morning, when he told his friend Clare to beat her cat, pull her tail and scream in her ears to teach her a lesson. Confiding in a friend later, he added, "Then I am going to turn her in for harming an animal, and I will get Lucy." Lucy is the name Baby has given to Clare's cat, whose real name is Markie (after Markie Post, of "Night Court" fame).

Baby in Furs

It's official. Winter is near, and Joseph has broken out the furs. Also in circulation are his cashmere sweaters and thick, hip-fitting pants. Expect winter hair and a new worldview philosphy, coming soon...

Pumps for Halloween

Baby is practicing his strut in a pair of new, pink, impossibly high heels that he bought for Halloween today (nevermind the fetish shops he had to visit to find such shoes in a men's size).

He decided to be Kate Moss in honor of her cocaine scandal, and will even sport baby powder on his nostrils for full effect. More than anything, he assures us, he wants the costume to be a tasteful tribute to the fallen model.

Getting used to the shoes, he adds, has not been easy. "These are some mama jamas," he said.

Modeling Job

Baby has plans to work his way into an advertising shoot that he learned will take place in the Meatpacking District later this month. As he doubles up on Pilates and fish oil pills, he is wondering if he should dye his hair brown or light blonde. As always, he welcomes suggestions.

Baby Joins Biblical Group

Earlier this morning Baby decided to accept Jesus and join an Australia-based online Biblical society. They send him regular Bible updates and, one imagines, suggestions for holy living.

"They send me little holy tid-bits in an ultra tacky format," he enthused. While many agree there is no better candidate in need of such influence, some question why he joined an off-shore group.

"He's outsourcing his religion," a friend said.
For more, visit www.biblesociety.com.au.

Baby Advocates a Cowboy Lifestyle

Baby got a new belt today straight from the tanneries of Jackson Hole, Wyoming. While the designer was unable to craft a buckle with Joseph's face emblazoned upon the plate, he was able to find an arrowhead bald eagle to his liking.

"I'm going to be a cowboy," Baby advised. He looks forward to riding horses and herding cows, much like fellow belt lover Jake Gyllenhaal. He is also fast at work on a business plan for cowboy beauty products.

Second Homes

Joseph sounded off on Manhattan parents today, complaining about super-size strollers and their implicit right-of-way on the sidewalk. Why should the urban childless step aside for those who decide to procreate?

"I don't like children," he said. "I like puppies and second homes."